As I sit and think about what is currently happening in my life and what has happened in the past I realize that I go through phases not knowing … doubting myself without even knowing it. Most recently I realized that I have not done what I thought I would have done with my life … to date.
When I was a child around 5 years old my parents would ask me…”What do you want to be when you grow up?” My silly answer was “A doctor and a lawyer.”
Unfortunately I did not take the medical school or law school route but the most unfortunate part of this is that it was what my parents really expected.
A child has concept on what they should be as an adult…the many twists and turns life takes you through. I went through all of my school years getting very good grades, and when high school came around I had a social life and got good grades…great right? Not so much, those words stated as a 5 year old were still haunting me through high school, so what did I do my first year of college when my counselor asked me to declare a major…Pre-Med please…Ha!! I hated it so much I didn’t go to class, didn’t want to read 300 pages a week for one class when I had 5 classes…needless to say I changed my major my Sophmore year. Too bad the damage was already done…Senior year I ended up taking and doing very well on the LSAT exam but realized I didn’t want to go to law school, not right away anyway. So after having jobs in different functionalities I returned back to school to become a nurse…or to try to become a nurse. So instead of being 8 years into my career I am waiting to start my career. Somedays I wonder if I should just take the test to become a teacher down here…so many ups and downs in my head but I know what I want to do I just hate that I have to wait to do it…
Instead of wanting to please everyone around me instead of myself I should have taken time to figure out what I wanted to do with my life…then maybe…just maybe I wouldn’t be such a mess today.
So I put my oldest on a plane yesterday morning New York bound. She was so grown up, she got out of the car, gave me a hug and kiss, gave her sister a kiss and a wave and took her suitcase and book-bag and headed in. She didn’t even look back, I was so sad and proud at the same time. That was me at 7…traveling alone and loving it. She loved flying to NY, she said she had a blast. She loves visiting her grandpa since he treats her like a queen…today she went to the garden with him, then left him in the garden and went on a field trip to Central Park…he called me to tell me how impressed he was with her, that she was all grown up and independent. So that’s the one gone…in about a week and a half the other will be going to NY with their father…then I will be all alone 😦
Alone is good…I am counting down. I can’t wait to go to an adult movie (not PG), go to a restaurant without a kid menu, and the most anticipated HAPPY HOUR!!!
It is so sad that I have to wait for them to go on vacation for me to do things without them. But I have to take it when I can get it. 🙂
So the past few days have been a complete up and down, round and round with my emotions. The 4th of July is usually the kick-off to a series of BBQ’s, parties, and summer fun. Unfortunately for me not so much. The 4th of July just means the next day my sister has been gone for a year. July 5th 2010 my 35 year old sister left this earth…and I know in my heart that is for the best, I don’t think it is fair for anyone to live in illness. I watched illness take so many of my loved ones, and it sure isn’t pretty. These diseases take away people before they are even gone. I watched my sister become a shell of herself…she was there but she really wasn’t. She understood everything, and could communicate properly, but physically she was not the same…her body had transformed, she couldn’t physically do the things she normally would. So crazy how a year passes so fast…I remember talking to my sister on the phone before she passed like it was yesterday. RIP Kiko…I will forever love and miss you.
The next day…is my daughters birthday…this year she turned 7. It is hard for me to be happy after losing my sister/best friend the day before…but I had to suck it up, I know my sister would not want me to be sad on my babies birthday. So I baked 48 cupcakes for her to take to camp…and this weekend I will be making an ice cream cake and having a BBQ for her birthday…
Okay I am going to be randomly rambling here so bare with me…
Some days life seems so great…other days not so much. I remember reading this book as a little girl, Are You There God? It’s Me Margaret and as an adult I still go to that place. Sometimes it is so much harder to believe in a higher power when so much chaos is going on around you. Let’s see what is it that I need…more money, more time, more free time, more patience…MORE, I just need MORE. I look around and I know deep down inside that I am way better off than a lot of people in the world, but its hard not to feel like I need more and I need it now. We learn all about patience when we are young, when we want something right away and mom/dad says you have to wait…we learn to wait, so why is that in adulthood we forget how to wait. I need to go back and figure out how to wait…I have to wait for all my blessings: financial, personal, physical, etc.
Today… I wake up at 5am (which should be totally unlawful on a Saturday) because my 2 year old decided she wanted to get up and not lay back down. So I get out of bed, make some coffee, and sit down on the couch and try to catch up on my DVR’d shows while she watches Yo-Gabba-Gabba in my bedroom. Everything is going fine until my soon to be 7 year old wakes up and decides she wants to argue with the 2 year old. Why are they arguing you ask? I have no damn clue…I just know that its 8am and my voice is already raised. Way too early for me to be saying STOP, NO, DON’T DO THAT, SIT DOWN, etc. Why don’t they understand that I need quiet until at least 10:30am. My brain is on Saturday mode and does not want to function at all until I have at least consumed 2 giant cups of coffee…and at 8am I was just pouring cup number 2. So now at 10am I am allowed to sit and relax and enjoy my 2nd cup of coffee that I now had to re-heat in the microwave…the life of a single mom.
I know at the end of all of this it will only make me a stronger woman…which is great. I just need a break at some point before I have a mental break. I am going to keep smiling though through all of this because I know plenty of people have it way worse than I do.
Everyone have a happy and safe holiday weekend… 🙂