I am home alone for the next 4 weeks. I have survived week 1 without the kiddies. This is usually the hardest week, because I really have no clue what to do with myself when I am not in “mommy mode”. When the kids are home it is so easy for me to focus on other things (mommy things) and not be intrigued to go out on the town, being in a long distance relationship and all. So, now I am home with no kids and no man (he is supposed to be coming down for a long weekend soon)…this spells DISASTER loud and clear in my head. I am fighting the feeling I am having to behave badly…but I can hear the whispers telling me to go out and have a good time, enjoy yourself, enjoy not having the kids, enjoy life while you have one. This week I have been to the gym or the park for a workout/tennis everyday except Wednesday and I will be going to the gym tonight…and as soon as I blink long enough it will be the weekend. I have several things I could do tomorrow evening, I was invited to a birthday party, a BBQ, another birthday party and I was asked out on a “date”. I wouldn’t mind the date because he knows I am in a LDR and all, but I also know he has intentions on trying to convince me I don’t need to be in a LDR…so that is up in the air still. The 2 birthday parties…hmmm…one is a friend of mine and the other is a friend of a friend, so do I go to the friend of the friend so I can meet new people and can have a carefree good time or do I go to the friends where I will have a good time but the company is not really my type ;). The BBQ is the safest place for me because I know just about everyone that will be there, it is close to home so if I drink I won’t have to drive home and there is no chance of me running off into the night with anyone…hmmm the downpart about the BBQ is I know everyone there and I am sure they will have another BBQ in a few weeks and I could always go to that one. Decisions, decisions, decisions…
Friendship…what is the definition of this word? According to the dictionary friendship is the state of being a friend — a friend is defined as a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard; a person who is on good terms with another. According to a person I considered one of my best friends we are not friends anymore because we don’t speak often enough for her. Here is the deal, we grew up together (we were a trio) and we used to do a lot of things together. Travel, hang out, etc…but we all grew up. 20 years ago all we had to do was be around each other, because we had no other responsibilities. Now we obviously have other things going on…we are all working mothers, they are married and I am not (doesn’t make it any easier for me to deal with day to day things). So the issue she has with me is that we don’t speak often and she would rather have a “true friendship” with me than what we have been having…I was at a loss because I don’t measure my friendships by how often we speak on the phone. I don’t call as often as she doesn’t call me and somehow I am the issue as far as communication goes. I did address that with her and she still doesn’t get that communication is a two way street and if this is how she had been felling for the past few years (according to her) she should have said something when she felt the shift instead of waiting all this time. So to me she didn’t want to fix the relationship at all. If I were to feel a difference in how our relationship was I would have stated so immediately, why wait we are friends after all, aren’t we. All 3 of us live in different states, me being the furthest away so I can’t just pop in for a quick visit on a Saturday afternoon and have lunch…and the third doesn’t speak hardly either but somehow I am the only one that has the issue. So in my opinion the issue is not how often we speak or what we speak about, I think it is something completely different. What I don’t know, maybe she can’t be friends with the single friend anymore. It is like the most high school situation I have been in since high school…which pisses me off. So like the saying goes some people are in your life for a reason, others are there for a season…I am guessing I am supposed to learn from this situation and her season is over. Luckily I know who I can count on regardless of how busy we get or how often we speak.
Being apart … 7 years to be exact…no phone calls, no e-mails, no postal mail…no contact at all. It didn’t hurt that we live in different cities. One evening one December I sat on the computer while talking to my bestest bestie…and thanks to Facebook I found him. Having mutual friends it wasn’t hard…only one mutual friend honestly but that was all it took. So what does my bestie tell me to do…”send him a message”…what the hell was I supposed to write to someone I had not had any contact with for years…and after about an hour of peer pressure I sent the message, something to this effect:
“Hey, how are you? Do you remember who I am?”
After about 2 hours (since everyone has Facebook on their phones) I got a response:
“Of course I remember who you are, I am good how are you?”
So after a few hours all the familiarities were out of the way…the “what have you been up to?”, “where are you living?”, “are you married, divorced, kids?”, etc. Come to find out that his brother lives in the same city as I do, about 35 minutes away and he was due for a visit in a couple of weeks…talk about coincidence. So the next message was:
“Can we exchange numbers so we can talk? I would like to see you when I come out there. My number is XXX-XXX-XXXX”
How excited was my bestie, you would have thought she was the one that used to date him…she was way more excited than I was, even though I had the butterflies in my stomach when we did meet up. He was everything I remembered and more…more because he is now older and not into the little boy games.
7 years prior…we were both young, and got what we needed from each other, great sex with no baggage, no expectations which meant no disappointment, no commitment…which worked out for both of us at the time. The only hurdle was the distance…approximately 75 miles. We made it work for the time we wanted it to work, making weekends our only time together. Because I am a female, at some point there became this emotional issue that I was terrified of (I am not even sure why) and I just stopped all contact/communication. He would call and I would ignore and the one instance I did answer I was sort of a bitch, not in a bad way, I think I was just really short on the phone so he didn’t try to contact me again. That I believe was a huge mistake.
So I let him get away…and now I can’t help but think he was the ONE that got away. 2 years later and we still talk on the phone and text often…we have lots of meaningful conversations about future endeavors and things like that…but how can I set myself up for a situation I will possible be afraid of again. If I was afraid of the emotional attachment then and it was only 75 miles in between us how could I not be terrified now with approximately 800 miles between us now. He talks about selling his house and moving down here for a fresh start…but that is still up in the air. Neither one of us wants a long distance relationship so we just keep things open…but still no relationship has happened for either of us since…not even prospects…
What to do? What to do?
So I have been trying to figure out what my problem is lately and I realized that I need a release. 😦
I have been having serious writer’s block. I can’t seem to get my thoughts to flow properly. Who knew sexual frustration would be linked to this. But it has to be…because why else would I be so stuck? I have walked away from it to see if that would help…and nothing. I get maybe a sentence or 2 out and that’s all. I have been working on one piece for about a month and I can’t seem ti make it work…I feel like a really big O is preventing me from letting my thoughts flow freely. It’s going on 2 years since I had any REAL release…I think I need to fix that.
I love the holiday season, I just honestly HATE that they don’t allow us to enjoy one at a time. Before we even carved our pumpkins the Christmas decorations were out. Before we carved our turkey the damn Christmas music was on the radio…the stores opened for sales on Thanksgiving night…and the day after Thanksgiving when I was laid up on my sofa for the whole day watching TV (most enjoyable moments I have had in a while) I couldn’t even enjoy a lifetime movie because they were all Christmas movies and I refused to watch. Now that it is December 1 I don’t mind hearing an occassional Christmas song and seeing lights up…
December already…seems like I just watched the ball drop welcoming in 2011, now we are getting ready to go cut our Christmas tree down so we can start celebrating. I am happy and sad to see the end of another year…happy because I am healthy and have a great family, sad because its another year gone by and I am getting older, my girls are growing up so fast right before my eyes, its so crazy. Now it is time to start thinking of new New Years resolutions for 2012, it is always difficult because it is hard to find things that actually are attainable, I don’t want to say I am going to stop cursing, because them someone does some asshole thing and there I am cursing again, I eat pretty healthy already so I don’t want to give up any foods, I don’t smoke, I drink socially (unless I am stressed I will have a glass of wine at the end of the day)…what can I resolve to do for 2012. I can’t really make next year about me because I am a single parent…how selfish would that be, maybe I can resolve to travel more…lol that would mean I need to have disposable money (which I don’t have)…hmmm what could I resolve to do?
I have been focusing on my health a lot this year and its good…I am very proud of myself…I lost 40lbs and have 8-10 more to go by December 31…so 31 days of ass kicking workouts and eating right. Thank goodness I didn’t get crazy with Thanksgiving food…loved it but ate it (mac & cheese, turkey, greens, yams, stuffing, corn bread…I am getting hungry just thinking about it) and went right back to my salads 🙂 I dropped 2 pants sizes comfortably and I have gotten way more active than I ever had since high school. I used to hate to sweat and now it doesn’t bother me so much at all…I am very proud of what I did for ME…
What are your resolution ideas?
My sister would have been 37 today 😦 So this year instead of crying a lot we decided to take what we feel and write her notes and put them in balloons to send up to her this evening. Last night I asked my 7 year old to write a note to her TiTi(auntie) and she did just that. I should have copied her note so she could look at it years from now to see how she was feeling this time around…basically her note made me cry. She wrote “I love you soooooo much and I will see you again.” She then turns the paper over and drew a picture of her and her Titi holding hands inside of a big heart and wrote you and me on top of the people…I cried a bit b/c she loves my sister even though she didn’t get a real chance to know her. We left NY when my daughter was 4 and she only got to see her once more after that when she was 5, then the next time she saw her she was in her casket. My baby girl only got to meet her once in her 2 1/2 years on this earth and she was only about 5 months old. She knows her b/c her pictures are all over my house and I talk about her a lot but it is hard sometimes. I miss her dearly, timing makes it hard for me sometimes. We always shared our birthdays as I am 10/4, she was 10/7 and my mom is 10/14 so we would always celebrate together. And not to mention she passed away the day before my oldest daughters birthday. So it is hard to make sad times happy, but this year I am trying my best because I know she would not want me to be sad that she is in a better place.
She was my big sister, best friend and mommy figure when I needed her the most. She will forever be in my heart. Happy Birthday – RIP T