Friendship…what is the definition of this word? According to the dictionary friendship is the state of being a friend — a friend is defined as a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard; a person who is on good terms with another. According to a person I considered one of my best friends we are not friends anymore because we don’t speak often enough for her. Here is the deal, we grew up together (we were a trio) and we used to do a lot of things together. Travel, hang out, etc…but we all grew up. 20 years ago all we had to do was be around each other, because we had no other responsibilities. Now we obviously have other things going on…we are all working mothers, they are married and I am not (doesn’t make it any easier for me to deal with day to day things). So the issue she has with me is that we don’t speak often and she would rather have a “true friendship” with me than what we have been having…I was at a loss because I don’t measure my friendships by how often we speak on the phone. I don’t call as often as she doesn’t call me and somehow I am the issue as far as communication goes. I did address that with her and she still doesn’t get that communication is a two way street and if this is how she had been felling for the past few years (according to her) she should have said something when she felt the shift instead of waiting all this time. So to me she didn’t want to fix the relationship at all. If I were to feel a difference in how our relationship was I would have stated so immediately, why wait we are friends after all, aren’t we. All 3 of us live in different states, me being the furthest away so I can’t just pop in for a quick visit on a Saturday afternoon and have lunch…and the third doesn’t speak hardly either but somehow I am the only one that has the issue. So in my opinion the issue is not how often we speak or what we speak about, I think it is something completely different. What I don’t know, maybe she can’t be friends with the single friend anymore. It is like the most high school situation I have been in since high school…which pisses me off. So like the saying goes some people are in your life for a reason, others are there for a season…I am guessing I am supposed to learn from this situation and her season is over. Luckily I know who I can count on regardless of how busy we get or how often we speak.
So advice is needed here…It has been so long since I have been on the real dating scene, is it appropriate to date a friend of an ex? I see it all the time in Hollywood, but is it okay to do in reality, in our real life? I was watching The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and noticed that one of the wives married a friend of her ex-husbands and they are all still friends. Does that happen in real life or only in cities like that?
A friend of my ex asked me out, a part of me wants to say yes because I am pretty sure we would have a good time but the other part of me thinks its crazy. I am battling the idea because I feel like I don’t know if I would give it a serious chance because of his “friendship” with my ex. When he came by the house a few weeks ago he told me he hadn’t talked to the ex in a few months (why the ” are necessary)…so friendship is used loosely here. I don’t know about you, but I speak to my friends more often than that…even if only via email or text.
So again I ask, is this appropriate?
Being apart … 7 years to be exact…no phone calls, no e-mails, no postal mail…no contact at all. It didn’t hurt that we live in different cities. One evening one December I sat on the computer while talking to my bestest bestie…and thanks to Facebook I found him. Having mutual friends it wasn’t hard…only one mutual friend honestly but that was all it took. So what does my bestie tell me to do…”send him a message”…what the hell was I supposed to write to someone I had not had any contact with for years…and after about an hour of peer pressure I sent the message, something to this effect:
“Hey, how are you? Do you remember who I am?”
After about 2 hours (since everyone has Facebook on their phones) I got a response:
“Of course I remember who you are, I am good how are you?”
So after a few hours all the familiarities were out of the way…the “what have you been up to?”, “where are you living?”, “are you married, divorced, kids?”, etc. Come to find out that his brother lives in the same city as I do, about 35 minutes away and he was due for a visit in a couple of weeks…talk about coincidence. So the next message was:
“Can we exchange numbers so we can talk? I would like to see you when I come out there. My number is XXX-XXX-XXXX”
How excited was my bestie, you would have thought she was the one that used to date him…she was way more excited than I was, even though I had the butterflies in my stomach when we did meet up. He was everything I remembered and more…more because he is now older and not into the little boy games.
7 years prior…we were both young, and got what we needed from each other, great sex with no baggage, no expectations which meant no disappointment, no commitment…which worked out for both of us at the time. The only hurdle was the distance…approximately 75 miles. We made it work for the time we wanted it to work, making weekends our only time together. Because I am a female, at some point there became this emotional issue that I was terrified of (I am not even sure why) and I just stopped all contact/communication. He would call and I would ignore and the one instance I did answer I was sort of a bitch, not in a bad way, I think I was just really short on the phone so he didn’t try to contact me again. That I believe was a huge mistake.
So I let him get away…and now I can’t help but think he was the ONE that got away. 2 years later and we still talk on the phone and text often…we have lots of meaningful conversations about future endeavors and things like that…but how can I set myself up for a situation I will possible be afraid of again. If I was afraid of the emotional attachment then and it was only 75 miles in between us how could I not be terrified now with approximately 800 miles between us now. He talks about selling his house and moving down here for a fresh start…but that is still up in the air. Neither one of us wants a long distance relationship so we just keep things open…but still no relationship has happened for either of us since…not even prospects…
What to do? What to do?
Back in High School, you came over that day. Don’t you remember?Hmmm…obviously not…is that a sign? I don’t know how he or she could want to be involved with the other…you have had sex in the past, yes it has been quite some time ago, but damn you don’t remember. As the man, I would take offense to that, either the sex wasn’t that good (which is a deal breaker for me as a female…hello sex is not everything but let’s be real, it does matter) or you are just out there and have slept with so many people you just can’t remember. Now again, don’t get me wrong, I have had an encounter or two that I did not remember, not for lack of enthusiasm or fun, but because I had way too much to drink…but at some point it hits you like a ton of bricks…oh shit did I do that…yes doll you absolutely did…and then you move on. Any thoughts?
So… tomorrow my ex is bringing my daughter back home. This will be the first time we see each other since we ended things and he left in January (we were together almost 8 years). I am hoping that this is not going to be awkward…considering he has been a complete tool since he left. Let’s see … since he has been gone I have lost about 30 lbs, my baby girl has grown a whole 6-9 inches, we moved to a new place, and through all of it he has been an ass…not calling the girls, not sending anything for them for either of their birthdays (February and July), nothing…hardly sends money for them which we agreed would be enough to cover daycare … yeah that is not quite how it has worked out.
I just keep telling myself that its fine and we don’t need him at all…but then reality sets in and I realize yes I don’t need or want him but my babies definitely need their dad. I look at all of the girls I know that were raised without their fathers in their lives and see how just that absence has affected their lives, the decisions they make about men and life in general. Then I look at all the issues I had with my dad but I would not trade him for the world…I would not be the person I am now if it weren’t for him…not saying that having a dad makes anyone perfect but for girls I think it gives them something to compare a man to, like an outline for what our future boyfriends/husbands should be…what they should offer you. That is if you are a good dad like mine 🙂
As for my girlies, I am just thankful that I have a very supportive family that is willing to help where he is lacking and I am continuing to pray to God to send me the right man for me and my girls…someone strong, respectful, stable, funny, loving, etc…my list could go on and on…but when he comes to me he will love me and love my girls like his own.
The good thing about this meeting tomorrow is that I look damn good … I dropped 30 lbs since he has gone and in all the right places…hardly anymore baby fat left. 😉
One of the topics this morning on the radio (while driving in to the office) was…
“Do you remain friends with your exes?”
I do…in most cases. I am a relationship whore…I have been in relationships constantly since HS. I have hardly had breakups that was so terrible I felt we couldn’t be friendly. One ex in particular has been my best guyfriend since we broke up…we don’t call and text each other all the time, because lets face the facts his ex and my ext did not care for that. So it was more like when we need each other we know we are there. Now that we are not attached anymore, we talk more frequently, check up with each other via text, FB, etc. Its funny because all of his exes hated my guts, mind you none of them ever met me…yes I know ladies hard to hold a candle next to the one who stole his purity 🙂 but give me a break…that was eons ago. His last girlfriend was the only one that did not have a problem with him being friends with me. Other than him I am not quite sure I am friends with anyone else…not because of anything in particular, just because we lost touch.
My most current ex…we have to be friends, we have two girls together…even though at times I wish I did not have to speak to him at all. He would be the one that I would never speak to again. We did not break up on bad terms…I was pretty okay with him leaving to move back home (NY)…just after he left he decided to show his true self. If he would just be good to my girls I would not be so angry with him. We were together for so long, I know him better than he knows himself sometimes and that is so unfortunate. I just wish he would get it together so we can be friendly…there is nothing worse than parents that can’t stand each other, and I don’t want to be that…I grew up with that and it was not fun.
What do you think, is it possible to be friends with exes?