I am home alone for the next 4 weeks. I have survived week 1 without the kiddies. This is usually the hardest week, because I really have no clue what to do with myself when I am not in “mommy mode”. When the kids are home it is so easy for me to focus on other things (mommy things) and not be intrigued to go out on the town, being in a long distance relationship and all. So, now I am home with no kids and no man (he is supposed to be coming down for a long weekend soon)…this spells DISASTER loud and clear in my head. I am fighting the feeling I am having to behave badly…but I can hear the whispers telling me to go out and have a good time, enjoy yourself, enjoy not having the kids, enjoy life while you have one. This week I have been to the gym or the park for a workout/tennis everyday except Wednesday and I will be going to the gym tonight…and as soon as I blink long enough it will be the weekend. I have several things I could do tomorrow evening, I was invited to a birthday party, a BBQ, another birthday party and I was asked out on a “date”. I wouldn’t mind the date because he knows I am in a LDR and all, but I also know he has intentions on trying to convince me I don’t need to be in a LDR…so that is up in the air still. The 2 birthday parties…hmmm…one is a friend of mine and the other is a friend of a friend, so do I go to the friend of the friend so I can meet new people and can have a carefree good time or do I go to the friends where I will have a good time but the company is not really my type ;). The BBQ is the safest place for me because I know just about everyone that will be there, it is close to home so if I drink I won’t have to drive home and there is no chance of me running off into the night with anyone…hmmm the downpart about the BBQ is I know everyone there and I am sure they will have another BBQ in a few weeks and I could always go to that one. Decisions, decisions, decisions…
Friendship…what is the definition of this word? According to the dictionary friendship is the state of being a friend — a friend is defined as a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard; a person who is on good terms with another. According to a person I considered one of my best friends we are not friends anymore because we don’t speak often enough for her. Here is the deal, we grew up together (we were a trio) and we used to do a lot of things together. Travel, hang out, etc…but we all grew up. 20 years ago all we had to do was be around each other, because we had no other responsibilities. Now we obviously have other things going on…we are all working mothers, they are married and I am not (doesn’t make it any easier for me to deal with day to day things). So the issue she has with me is that we don’t speak often and she would rather have a “true friendship” with me than what we have been having…I was at a loss because I don’t measure my friendships by how often we speak on the phone. I don’t call as often as she doesn’t call me and somehow I am the issue as far as communication goes. I did address that with her and she still doesn’t get that communication is a two way street and if this is how she had been felling for the past few years (according to her) she should have said something when she felt the shift instead of waiting all this time. So to me she didn’t want to fix the relationship at all. If I were to feel a difference in how our relationship was I would have stated so immediately, why wait we are friends after all, aren’t we. All 3 of us live in different states, me being the furthest away so I can’t just pop in for a quick visit on a Saturday afternoon and have lunch…and the third doesn’t speak hardly either but somehow I am the only one that has the issue. So in my opinion the issue is not how often we speak or what we speak about, I think it is something completely different. What I don’t know, maybe she can’t be friends with the single friend anymore. It is like the most high school situation I have been in since high school…which pisses me off. So like the saying goes some people are in your life for a reason, others are there for a season…I am guessing I am supposed to learn from this situation and her season is over. Luckily I know who I can count on regardless of how busy we get or how often we speak.
So advice is needed here…It has been so long since I have been on the real dating scene, is it appropriate to date a friend of an ex? I see it all the time in Hollywood, but is it okay to do in reality, in our real life? I was watching The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and noticed that one of the wives married a friend of her ex-husbands and they are all still friends. Does that happen in real life or only in cities like that?
A friend of my ex asked me out, a part of me wants to say yes because I am pretty sure we would have a good time but the other part of me thinks its crazy. I am battling the idea because I feel like I don’t know if I would give it a serious chance because of his “friendship” with my ex. When he came by the house a few weeks ago he told me he hadn’t talked to the ex in a few months (why the ” are necessary)…so friendship is used loosely here. I don’t know about you, but I speak to my friends more often than that…even if only via email or text.
So again I ask, is this appropriate?
I can’t believe it’s been this long since I have been on here…I guess I had reverted back to paper and pen at some point…
So, where I left off was trying to figure out if he was the one that got away…not sure I can classify that still today. It has been almost a year since I have been here, he and I still talk all the time, which has been very effective in establishing a friendship and even more effective in helping us realize what we wanted out of a relationship. We have spent some good time together since, even though the distance is still a major factor, we have established some sort of relationship. Neither one of us are seeing anyone else (STILL), we have come to agree that we want to be together but the distance is the main factor keeping us from labeling us a couple. We have been trying to see each other every few months and have been successful for the last 7 or 8 months…next visit is scheduled for the first weekend in March.
This man has made me feel things I haven’t thought possible…not only has he removed my writers block (creatively speaking) he has awaken things in me that I thought died years ago. I have never trusted a man so implicitly before in my life, not even my daughters father got that much from me, everything feels so right with him. I feel like everything happens so naturally between us, there is no thought about anything at all. He makes me feel like I am in High School all over again, giggly and all smiles. I love that, I enjoy being happy and he does that for me. It’s just unfortunate that we are so far away from each other (physically), it actually makes it better for now. It allows us to get to know each other better, it gives us time to miss each other and appreciate when we do see each other. It also allows us to be friends more than anything, which is the best foundation for a relationship. We can talk to each other about any and everything without resolve. We are completely honest with each other which is so hard to believe.
His latest visit was for 10 days or so…we had a chance to date. It was nice, we did a couple of double dates and we did a lot of one on one dating, it was nice. We got to hang out like normal people do when they are dating…and he biggest feat…he met the girls and they loved each other instantly and my girls are not easy to like anyone…that is probably the best part of the trip.
Being apart … 7 years to be exact…no phone calls, no e-mails, no postal mail…no contact at all. It didn’t hurt that we live in different cities. One evening one December I sat on the computer while talking to my bestest bestie…and thanks to Facebook I found him. Having mutual friends it wasn’t hard…only one mutual friend honestly but that was all it took. So what does my bestie tell me to do…”send him a message”…what the hell was I supposed to write to someone I had not had any contact with for years…and after about an hour of peer pressure I sent the message, something to this effect:
“Hey, how are you? Do you remember who I am?”
After about 2 hours (since everyone has Facebook on their phones) I got a response:
“Of course I remember who you are, I am good how are you?”
So after a few hours all the familiarities were out of the way…the “what have you been up to?”, “where are you living?”, “are you married, divorced, kids?”, etc. Come to find out that his brother lives in the same city as I do, about 35 minutes away and he was due for a visit in a couple of weeks…talk about coincidence. So the next message was:
“Can we exchange numbers so we can talk? I would like to see you when I come out there. My number is XXX-XXX-XXXX”
How excited was my bestie, you would have thought she was the one that used to date him…she was way more excited than I was, even though I had the butterflies in my stomach when we did meet up. He was everything I remembered and more…more because he is now older and not into the little boy games.
7 years prior…we were both young, and got what we needed from each other, great sex with no baggage, no expectations which meant no disappointment, no commitment…which worked out for both of us at the time. The only hurdle was the distance…approximately 75 miles. We made it work for the time we wanted it to work, making weekends our only time together. Because I am a female, at some point there became this emotional issue that I was terrified of (I am not even sure why) and I just stopped all contact/communication. He would call and I would ignore and the one instance I did answer I was sort of a bitch, not in a bad way, I think I was just really short on the phone so he didn’t try to contact me again. That I believe was a huge mistake.
So I let him get away…and now I can’t help but think he was the ONE that got away. 2 years later and we still talk on the phone and text often…we have lots of meaningful conversations about future endeavors and things like that…but how can I set myself up for a situation I will possible be afraid of again. If I was afraid of the emotional attachment then and it was only 75 miles in between us how could I not be terrified now with approximately 800 miles between us now. He talks about selling his house and moving down here for a fresh start…but that is still up in the air. Neither one of us wants a long distance relationship so we just keep things open…but still no relationship has happened for either of us since…not even prospects…
What to do? What to do?
So I have been trying to figure out what my problem is lately and I realized that I need a release. 😦
I have been having serious writer’s block. I can’t seem to get my thoughts to flow properly. Who knew sexual frustration would be linked to this. But it has to be…because why else would I be so stuck? I have walked away from it to see if that would help…and nothing. I get maybe a sentence or 2 out and that’s all. I have been working on one piece for about a month and I can’t seem ti make it work…I feel like a really big O is preventing me from letting my thoughts flow freely. It’s going on 2 years since I had any REAL release…I think I need to fix that.
It’s a new year…time for a new outlook on life. I guess that is supposed to be how we think about a new year coming in. I think we should always have the best outlook on life. This year I am going to make better than the last, that includes eliminating all things that are not good for me…including people.
2011 I lost all the weight I wanted to – 2012 I am going to tone it all up
2011 I got rid of unnecessary baggage – 2012 I am mentally eliminating baggage
2011 I worked on my physical – 2012 I am working on my mental/emotional
I could probably go on and on all day…but 2012 is going to be a great year.
Happy New Year All!!!!