The One That Got Away

Being apart … 7 years to be exact…no phone calls, no e-mails, no postal mail…no contact at all.  It didn’t hurt that we live in different cities.  One evening one December I sat on the computer while talking to my bestest bestie…and thanks to Facebook I found him.  Having mutual friends it wasn’t hard…only one mutual friend honestly but that was all it took.  So what does my bestie tell me to do…”send him a message”…what the hell was I supposed to write to someone I had not had any contact with for years…and after about an hour of peer pressure I sent the message, something to this effect:

  “Hey, how are you? Do you remember who I am?”

After about 2 hours (since everyone has Facebook on their phones) I got a response:

“Of course I remember who you are, I am good how are you?”

So after a few hours all the familiarities were out of the way…the “what have you been up to?”, “where are you living?”, “are you married, divorced, kids?”, etc. Come to find out that his brother lives in the same city as I do, about 35 minutes away and he was due for a visit in a couple of weeks…talk about coincidence.  So the next message was:

“Can we exchange numbers so we can talk?  I would like to see you when I come out there.  My number is XXX-XXX-XXXX”

How excited was my bestie, you would have thought she was the one that used to date him…she was way more excited than I was, even though I had the butterflies in my stomach when we did meet up.  He was everything I remembered and more…more because he is now older and not into the little boy games.

7 years prior…we were both young, and got what we needed from each other, great sex with no baggage, no expectations which meant no disappointment, no commitment…which worked out for both of us at the time.  The only hurdle was the distance…approximately 75 miles. We made it work for the time we wanted it to work, making weekends our only time together.  Because I am a  female, at some point there became this emotional issue that I was terrified of (I am not even sure why) and I just stopped all contact/communication.  He would call and I would ignore and the one instance I did answer I was sort of a bitch, not in a bad way, I think I was just really short on the phone so he didn’t try to contact me again. That I believe was a huge mistake.

So I let him get away…and now I can’t help but think he was the ONE that got away.  2 years later and we still talk on the phone and text often…we have lots of meaningful conversations about future endeavors and things like that…but how can I set myself up for a situation I will possible be afraid of again.  If I was afraid of the emotional attachment then and it was only 75 miles in between us how could I not be terrified now with approximately 800 miles between us now.  He talks about selling his house and moving down here for a fresh start…but that is still up in the air.  Neither one of us wants a long distance relationship so we just keep things open…but still no relationship has happened for either of us since…not even prospects…

What to do? What to do?

 

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Follow Up

After my cousin met with my brother she felt sure that he was OKAY 😀  She said he looks great, and he sounded great. He has a lot of anger towards our father and and with him stressing him out, no wonder he lost a lot of weight, not to mention his job, he was a waiter at a restaurant and the kitchen was downstairs and the dining room was up..so going up and down the stairs for a whole shift 5 days a week will do it…maybe I should become a waitress to get my last 15lbs off…lol.  So my cousin came to the conclusion that he is okay, that is all I can go on these days. After hearing what the conversation had been about I can totally understand why my brother is so mad at dad.

Just wanted to let you all know everything was okay.

Drowning Out the Anger Monster

When the quiet sets in…my thoughts take over.  It is not really a time when it is good thoughts, it is usually anger or damn depression.  Not really depression…more like sadness, mourning the loss of loved ones.  In the past year I lost people close to me, one of which I will never get back thanks to the monster that took her life.  The disease ate her alive, a disease a lot of people don’t even know about (Lupus)…I didn’t even know about the damn disease when she told me about her diagnosis.  I had known only one person in my life that had been plagued with that particular disease…and she was fine…in and out of the hospital but fine.  It took a lot of time online looking up what it was and what makes it do what it does…long story short that damn disease has taken the life of my very best friend, my blood, my sister.  The other loss, when compared to that is not so significant…all loss has its significance, but that other person is just an asshole and left.  And after he left I had realized how angry I was with him and with the universe for taking my sister.  So…

When I am on my way to work in the morning I blast the radio, usually talk radio, to drown out my own thoughts…the morning shows are the funniest…I love Elvis and Duran.  I usually switch back and forth between them and the Steve Harvey Morning Show, both shows are very funny…then what pisses me off the most is that when one station is on commercial break the other one is too…which makes me put on the CD player totally forgetting about the funny shows on the radio. UGH.   So as I am driving along … sitting in traffic most days 😦 I sing my heart out like I am auditioning for The Voice…I know passing cars look at me like I am crazy but who the hell cares…I am so focused on not focusing on the angry monster in my head. 

How does music take you through an emotional roller-coaster?  Is it the words, the melodies, the person singing it?  Its all of it, put together so deliberately…but why is it when I am feeling down I listen to songs that keep me down, thank goodness for the radio, where I have no damn control over what is coming through those airwaves.  I sing in the car, I sing in the living room, I sing in the shower (that is where we all have the best voice), I sing while I am cooking…songs that make me cry…songs that make me laugh uncontrollably…not because of the lyrics of the songs, but because of the memories that song brings to light.  It is so interesting how music can shift your mood… you can be in a shitty mood and hear a song that totally remedies everything.  Once the song is over you can hardly remember why you were in a bad mood anyway.  Random…how the hell can I remember the lyrics to a song that was popular over 15 years ago and I can’t remember what I learned in class last semester? 

When I am in the house I am either so engrossed in the land of the Soap Operas, of hiding behind the lines of my latest read.  Its nothing like reading and envisioning other peoples drama…playing out what they should be doing or should have done…It is so easy for me to be a therapist to fictitious characters instead of being in my own head…dealing with my own damn issues and grief.

At some point I need to stop drowning out the anger monster with everything I can and just deal with it…this helped a little. 🙂