So… tomorrow my ex is bringing my daughter back home. This will be the first time we see each other since we ended things and he left in January (we were together almost 8 years). I am hoping that this is not going to be awkward…considering he has been a complete tool since he left. Let’s see … since he has been gone I have lost about 30 lbs, my baby girl has grown a whole 6-9 inches, we moved to a new place, and through all of it he has been an ass…not calling the girls, not sending anything for them for either of their birthdays (February and July), nothing…hardly sends money for them which we agreed would be enough to cover daycare … yeah that is not quite how it has worked out.
I just keep telling myself that its fine and we don’t need him at all…but then reality sets in and I realize yes I don’t need or want him but my babies definitely need their dad. I look at all of the girls I know that were raised without their fathers in their lives and see how just that absence has affected their lives, the decisions they make about men and life in general. Then I look at all the issues I had with my dad but I would not trade him for the world…I would not be the person I am now if it weren’t for him…not saying that having a dad makes anyone perfect but for girls I think it gives them something to compare a man to, like an outline for what our future boyfriends/husbands should be…what they should offer you. That is if you are a good dad like mine 🙂
As for my girlies, I am just thankful that I have a very supportive family that is willing to help where he is lacking and I am continuing to pray to God to send me the right man for me and my girls…someone strong, respectful, stable, funny, loving, etc…my list could go on and on…but when he comes to me he will love me and love my girls like his own.
The good thing about this meeting tomorrow is that I look damn good … I dropped 30 lbs since he has gone and in all the right places…hardly anymore baby fat left. 😉
Okay I am going to be randomly rambling here so bare with me…
Some days life seems so great…other days not so much. I remember reading this book as a little girl, Are You There God? It’s Me Margaret and as an adult I still go to that place. Sometimes it is so much harder to believe in a higher power when so much chaos is going on around you. Let’s see what is it that I need…more money, more time, more free time, more patience…MORE, I just need MORE. I look around and I know deep down inside that I am way better off than a lot of people in the world, but its hard not to feel like I need more and I need it now. We learn all about patience when we are young, when we want something right away and mom/dad says you have to wait…we learn to wait, so why is that in adulthood we forget how to wait. I need to go back and figure out how to wait…I have to wait for all my blessings: financial, personal, physical, etc.
Today… I wake up at 5am (which should be totally unlawful on a Saturday) because my 2 year old decided she wanted to get up and not lay back down. So I get out of bed, make some coffee, and sit down on the couch and try to catch up on my DVR’d shows while she watches Yo-Gabba-Gabba in my bedroom. Everything is going fine until my soon to be 7 year old wakes up and decides she wants to argue with the 2 year old. Why are they arguing you ask? I have no damn clue…I just know that its 8am and my voice is already raised. Way too early for me to be saying STOP, NO, DON’T DO THAT, SIT DOWN, etc. Why don’t they understand that I need quiet until at least 10:30am. My brain is on Saturday mode and does not want to function at all until I have at least consumed 2 giant cups of coffee…and at 8am I was just pouring cup number 2. So now at 10am I am allowed to sit and relax and enjoy my 2nd cup of coffee that I now had to re-heat in the microwave…the life of a single mom.
I know at the end of all of this it will only make me a stronger woman…which is great. I just need a break at some point before I have a mental break. I am going to keep smiling though through all of this because I know plenty of people have it way worse than I do.
Everyone have a happy and safe holiday weekend… 🙂
Not the Steve Martin classic (which BTW is one of my all time favorite movies) or the Robert Townsend TV show (where I got one of my girls names from)…the Real life…real deal. We watch all these superparents on TV and in movies and wonder how the hell do they do that…how do they deal with that. And then snap…movie is over and back to reality. When raising children, especially on your own, sometimes you just have those “rip out your hair” moments. I had two of these moments in a 3 day time frame.
Let’s start with Saturday…
Since it was to hot to function outside we (the girls and myself) got up pretty early and headed out, ran a few errands and came home. After lunch I started to clean the house so Sunday could be relaxing, no cleaning to do…so while the girls are eating their lunch, I start cleaning the kitchen and putting things away. The girls are done inhaling their lunch…(both girls names start with Z…for purposes of my blog the oldest will be Z and the younger will be z) and go into the playroom to watch some tv. Fine with me since I get way more done while they are busy. So an hour into my cleaning, with the music blasting in the living room, I am done with the kitchen and both bathrooms. I go to the playroom and tell Z to start cleaning up their playroom and z to help…”okay mommy” is the response I get from both of them. After a while I go check on them to see what progress they have made and nothing…they are sitting in front of the TV…I tell Z to turn the TV off because she needs to clean, not watch tv…when you are done you can turn the TV back on. Z starts jumping up and down, having a terrible two’s tantrum(TTT)…mind you she is about to be 7 in 2 weeks. So I told her to go into her bedroom (where there is strategically no TV) and sit there until she was ready to clean up…the screaming continued…she sounded like she just got hurt. Luckily my neighbors are not nosy because if they were I am pretty sure the cops would have been at my damn door. So needless to say she stayed in that room, screaming for hours, until dinner and then she went to bed…all because she did not want to clean up her playroom.
On to Monday…
I tell Z to get her work done…not really homework, she goes to an enrichment program and has work to do for that, nothing excessive just 3 worksheets a day. Again with the TTT…ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW. After she sat in her room again screaming for about an hour she comes out and says … “Can I just do my work now?” What the hell was the screaming for?
I SWEAR kids need to come with instruction manuals…the hospitals want to give you baby bags, coupons and stuff… what they really need is a damn How To Manual….how to not throw your own TTT, how to not get the belt out, how to not drink a whole bottle or two of wine in one hour, how to not sit and cry because you think you have done something wrong, how to not let these damn kids get so far under your skin you have a meltdown…how to breathe…how to not call their father and curse him out for getting on with his life and not helping…
The list can go on and on and on and on…you get the gist.
What are some of the things you do to not rip your hair out?