When the quiet sets in…my thoughts take over. It is not really a time when it is good thoughts, it is usually anger or damn depression. Not really depression…more like sadness, mourning the loss of loved ones. In the past year I lost people close to me, one of which I will never get back thanks to the monster that took her life. The disease ate her alive, a disease a lot of people don’t even know about (Lupus)…I didn’t even know about the damn disease when she told me about her diagnosis. I had known only one person in my life that had been plagued with that particular disease…and she was fine…in and out of the hospital but fine. It took a lot of time online looking up what it was and what makes it do what it does…long story short that damn disease has taken the life of my very best friend, my blood, my sister. The other loss, when compared to that is not so significant…all loss has its significance, but that other person is just an asshole and left. And after he left I had realized how angry I was with him and with the universe for taking my sister. So…
When I am on my way to work in the morning I blast the radio, usually talk radio, to drown out my own thoughts…the morning shows are the funniest…I love Elvis and Duran. I usually switch back and forth between them and the Steve Harvey Morning Show, both shows are very funny…then what pisses me off the most is that when one station is on commercial break the other one is too…which makes me put on the CD player totally forgetting about the funny shows on the radio. UGH. So as I am driving along … sitting in traffic most days 😦 I sing my heart out like I am auditioning for The Voice…I know passing cars look at me like I am crazy but who the hell cares…I am so focused on not focusing on the angry monster in my head.
How does music take you through an emotional roller-coaster? Is it the words, the melodies, the person singing it? Its all of it, put together so deliberately…but why is it when I am feeling down I listen to songs that keep me down, thank goodness for the radio, where I have no damn control over what is coming through those airwaves. I sing in the car, I sing in the living room, I sing in the shower (that is where we all have the best voice), I sing while I am cooking…songs that make me cry…songs that make me laugh uncontrollably…not because of the lyrics of the songs, but because of the memories that song brings to light. It is so interesting how music can shift your mood… you can be in a shitty mood and hear a song that totally remedies everything. Once the song is over you can hardly remember why you were in a bad mood anyway. Random…how the hell can I remember the lyrics to a song that was popular over 15 years ago and I can’t remember what I learned in class last semester?
When I am in the house I am either so engrossed in the land of the Soap Operas, of hiding behind the lines of my latest read. Its nothing like reading and envisioning other peoples drama…playing out what they should be doing or should have done…It is so easy for me to be a therapist to fictitious characters instead of being in my own head…dealing with my own damn issues and grief.
At some point I need to stop drowning out the anger monster with everything I can and just deal with it…this helped a little. 🙂