Dear Ex

Dear Deadbeat Asshole:
I have given you ample time to get your shit together and be a good dad to your beautiful daughters.  I have waited for months for you to even acknowledge that you have 2 beautiful daughters that want and miss you dearly.  Unfortunately, you mistook my kindness for weakness and oh how wrong you are dear ex…so wrong that as I write this letter your child support enforcement papers are sitting next to me waiting to be filled out and guess what? They are next.  I tried to be a civilized adult and work out a payment agreement and visitation without going to court to have some stranger tell you how much time you should have with your girls and how much money you should be sending to them regularly.  A little bit of change every 6 weeks or so just isn’t cutting it anymore.  Your kids need to eat, they need school clothes, school supplies, a place to live with heat and air conditioner…bottom line is they need things to survive and they were born to 2 parents not 1.  I am doing my part to the best of my ability and I probably don’t even need your little bit of shit you want to send whenever you want to send it, but that is not the point.  The point is you created 2 children and your ass is going to take care of them one way or another…too bad you couldn’t be a damn man and do what you needed to do for them on your own. Karma is a big assed bitch so be very careful buddy.
Your Very Proud Mommy of 2 Ex
P.S. You have not taken anything from me…you have only improved my resume, now I can add Proud Father of 2 Amazing girls raised by no one but me 🙂  Thanks

Are You There God? It’s Me Toni…

Okay I am going to be randomly rambling here so bare with me…

Some days life seems so great…other days not so much.  I remember reading this book as a little girl, Are You There God? It’s Me Margaret and as an adult I still go to that place.  Sometimes it is so much harder to believe in a higher power when so much chaos is going on around you.  Let’s see what is it that I need…more money, more time, more free time, more patience…MORE, I just need MORE.  I look around and I know deep down inside that I am way better off than a lot of people in the world, but its hard not to feel like I need more and I need it now.  We learn all about patience when we are young, when we want something right away and mom/dad says you have to wait…we learn to wait, so why is that in adulthood we forget how to wait.  I need to go back and figure out how to wait…I have to wait for all my blessings: financial, personal, physical, etc.

Today… I wake up at 5am (which should be totally unlawful on a Saturday) because my 2 year old decided she wanted to get up and not lay back down.  So I get out of bed, make some coffee, and sit down on the couch and try to catch up on my DVR’d shows while she watches Yo-Gabba-Gabba in my bedroom.  Everything is going fine until my soon to be 7 year old wakes up and decides she wants to argue with the 2 year old.  Why are they arguing you ask? I have no damn clue…I just know that its 8am and my voice is already raised.  Way too early for me to be saying STOP, NO, DON’T DO THAT, SIT DOWN, etc.  Why don’t they understand that I need quiet until at least 10:30am.  My brain is on Saturday mode and does not want to function at all until I have at least consumed 2 giant cups of coffee…and at 8am I was just pouring cup number 2.  So now at 10am I am allowed to sit and relax and enjoy my 2nd cup of coffee that I now had to re-heat in the microwave…the life of a single mom.

I know at the end of all of this it will only make me a stronger woman…which is great. I just need a break at some point before I have a mental break.  I am going to keep smiling though through all of this because I know plenty of people have it way worse than I do.

Everyone have a happy and safe holiday weekend… 🙂



Not the Steve Martin classic (which BTW is one of my all time favorite movies) or the Robert Townsend TV show (where I got one of my girls names from)…the Real life…real deal. We watch all these superparents on TV and in movies and wonder how the hell do they do that…how do they deal with that.  And then snap…movie is over and back to reality.  When raising children, especially on your own, sometimes you just have those “rip out your hair” moments.  I had two of these moments in a 3 day time frame.

Let’s start with Saturday…

Since it was to hot to function outside we (the girls and myself) got up pretty early and headed out, ran a few errands and came home.  After lunch I started to clean the house so Sunday could be relaxing, no cleaning to do…so while the girls are eating their lunch, I start cleaning the kitchen and putting things away.  The girls are done inhaling their lunch…(both girls names start with Z…for purposes of my blog the oldest will be Z and the younger will be z) and go into the playroom to watch some tv. Fine with me since I get way more done while they are busy.  So an hour into my cleaning, with the music blasting in the living room, I am done with the kitchen and both bathrooms.  I go to the playroom and tell Z to start cleaning up their playroom and z to help…”okay mommy” is the response I get from both of them.  After a while I go check on them to see what progress they have made and nothing…they are sitting in front of the TV…I tell Z to turn the TV off because she needs to clean, not watch tv…when you are done you can turn the TV back on.  Z starts jumping up and down, having a terrible two’s tantrum(TTT)…mind you she is about to be 7 in 2 weeks. So I told her to go into her bedroom (where there is strategically no TV) and sit there until she was ready to clean up…the screaming continued…she sounded like she just got hurt. Luckily my neighbors are not nosy because if they were I am pretty sure the cops would have been at my damn door.  So needless to say she stayed in that room, screaming for hours, until dinner and then she went to bed…all because she did not want to clean up her playroom.

On to Monday…

I tell Z to get her work done…not really homework, she goes to an enrichment program and has work to do for that, nothing excessive just 3 worksheets a day.  Again with the TTT…ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW.  After she sat in her room again screaming for about an hour she comes out and says … “Can I just do my work now?”  What the hell was the screaming for? 

I SWEAR kids need to come with instruction manuals…the hospitals want to give you baby bags, coupons and stuff… what they really need is a damn How To Manual….how to not throw your own TTT, how to not get the belt out, how to not drink a whole bottle or two of wine in one hour, how to not sit and cry because you think you have done something wrong, how to not let these damn kids get so far under your skin you have a meltdown…how to breathe…how to not call their father and curse him out for getting on with his life and not helping…

The list can go on and on and on and on…you get the gist.

What are some of the things you do to not rip your hair out?