I am not sure how to approach this situation. As most of you know my ex was in town for the weekend that just passed and we had a very cordial/friendly visit. All was well or so I thought. As I was checking my facebook yesterday I noticed his cousin was online and we were chatting. She started to talk to me about my ex and not realizing she was sharing some new information…she notified me that he recently got a DUI and how he is headed down the same path as his father…(his father has had so many DUI’s that he got his license taken away and still lives at home with his parents at the age of 53) so what do I do with that…besides feel sad for him. I/We thought the DUI just happened since he got back to NY but come to realize that this whole thing happened 2 weeks prior…during which time my daughter was in NY with him. I have spoken with him and his mother since this whole ordeal happened and neither one of them said anything to me about it…
I can totally understand protecting your child and not wanting to shed a bad light on an already tough situation but give me a damn break…I am not just a bitter ex, I am the mother of his two children…one of which was in NY while all of this went down. I think I deserve to know what the hell is going on. Don’t you? I don’t need to know every waking detail of his life but something as important as that I think should be told to me.
While he was here I was talking to him about life and everything and how he needs to be a better provider for his kids and helping him with ideas on how to get there…I told him that I think he needs to go into the military. He is not doing anything good with his life in NY and it is scary to me because his father was/is the same way he is being and he hates his father… I just don’t understand how he can do the same BS his father did and not think the girls will look at him the same way he looks at his father. I just don’t want it to be too late for him to have a good relationship with the girls…and I don’t know how many times I need to emphasize how much a little girl needs her daddy…Shit I am almost 30 and I need my daddy still sometimes.
What do I do? I can’t force him to do anything but something has to happen. He is never in the house when I call, he is always out playing basketball or something…never do I call and someone tells me he is at work. There is a problem a big problem here. Do I threaten to take the kids away from him permanently until he gets his life together???
As I sit and think about what is currently happening in my life and what has happened in the past I realize that I go through phases not knowing … doubting myself without even knowing it. Most recently I realized that I have not done what I thought I would have done with my life … to date.
When I was a child around 5 years old my parents would ask me…”What do you want to be when you grow up?” My silly answer was “A doctor and a lawyer.”
Unfortunately I did not take the medical school or law school route but the most unfortunate part of this is that it was what my parents really expected.
A child has concept on what they should be as an adult…the many twists and turns life takes you through. I went through all of my school years getting very good grades, and when high school came around I had a social life and got good grades…great right? Not so much, those words stated as a 5 year old were still haunting me through high school, so what did I do my first year of college when my counselor asked me to declare a major…Pre-Med please…Ha!! I hated it so much I didn’t go to class, didn’t want to read 300 pages a week for one class when I had 5 classes…needless to say I changed my major my Sophmore year. Too bad the damage was already done…Senior year I ended up taking and doing very well on the LSAT exam but realized I didn’t want to go to law school, not right away anyway. So after having jobs in different functionalities I returned back to school to become a nurse…or to try to become a nurse. So instead of being 8 years into my career I am waiting to start my career. Somedays I wonder if I should just take the test to become a teacher down here…so many ups and downs in my head but I know what I want to do I just hate that I have to wait to do it…
Instead of wanting to please everyone around me instead of myself I should have taken time to figure out what I wanted to do with my life…then maybe…just maybe I wouldn’t be such a mess today.
When the quiet sets in…my thoughts take over. It is not really a time when it is good thoughts, it is usually anger or damn depression. Not really depression…more like sadness, mourning the loss of loved ones. In the past year I lost people close to me, one of which I will never get back thanks to the monster that took her life. The disease ate her alive, a disease a lot of people don’t even know about (Lupus)…I didn’t even know about the damn disease when she told me about her diagnosis. I had known only one person in my life that had been plagued with that particular disease…and she was fine…in and out of the hospital but fine. It took a lot of time online looking up what it was and what makes it do what it does…long story short that damn disease has taken the life of my very best friend, my blood, my sister. The other loss, when compared to that is not so significant…all loss has its significance, but that other person is just an asshole and left. And after he left I had realized how angry I was with him and with the universe for taking my sister. So…
When I am on my way to work in the morning I blast the radio, usually talk radio, to drown out my own thoughts…the morning shows are the funniest…I love Elvis and Duran. I usually switch back and forth between them and the Steve Harvey Morning Show, both shows are very funny…then what pisses me off the most is that when one station is on commercial break the other one is too…which makes me put on the CD player totally forgetting about the funny shows on the radio. UGH. So as I am driving along … sitting in traffic most days 😦 I sing my heart out like I am auditioning for The Voice…I know passing cars look at me like I am crazy but who the hell cares…I am so focused on not focusing on the angry monster in my head.
How does music take you through an emotional roller-coaster? Is it the words, the melodies, the person singing it? Its all of it, put together so deliberately…but why is it when I am feeling down I listen to songs that keep me down, thank goodness for the radio, where I have no damn control over what is coming through those airwaves. I sing in the car, I sing in the living room, I sing in the shower (that is where we all have the best voice), I sing while I am cooking…songs that make me cry…songs that make me laugh uncontrollably…not because of the lyrics of the songs, but because of the memories that song brings to light. It is so interesting how music can shift your mood… you can be in a shitty mood and hear a song that totally remedies everything. Once the song is over you can hardly remember why you were in a bad mood anyway. Random…how the hell can I remember the lyrics to a song that was popular over 15 years ago and I can’t remember what I learned in class last semester?
When I am in the house I am either so engrossed in the land of the Soap Operas, of hiding behind the lines of my latest read. Its nothing like reading and envisioning other peoples drama…playing out what they should be doing or should have done…It is so easy for me to be a therapist to fictitious characters instead of being in my own head…dealing with my own damn issues and grief.
At some point I need to stop drowning out the anger monster with everything I can and just deal with it…this helped a little. 🙂