I am home alone for the next 4 weeks. I have survived week 1 without the kiddies. This is usually the hardest week, because I really have no clue what to do with myself when I am not in “mommy mode”. When the kids are home it is so easy for me to focus on other things (mommy things) and not be intrigued to go out on the town, being in a long distance relationship and all. So, now I am home with no kids and no man (he is supposed to be coming down for a long weekend soon)…this spells DISASTER loud and clear in my head. I am fighting the feeling I am having to behave badly…but I can hear the whispers telling me to go out and have a good time, enjoy yourself, enjoy not having the kids, enjoy life while you have one. This week I have been to the gym or the park for a workout/tennis everyday except Wednesday and I will be going to the gym tonight…and as soon as I blink long enough it will be the weekend. I have several things I could do tomorrow evening, I was invited to a birthday party, a BBQ, another birthday party and I was asked out on a “date”. I wouldn’t mind the date because he knows I am in a LDR and all, but I also know he has intentions on trying to convince me I don’t need to be in a LDR…so that is up in the air still. The 2 birthday parties…hmmm…one is a friend of mine and the other is a friend of a friend, so do I go to the friend of the friend so I can meet new people and can have a carefree good time or do I go to the friends where I will have a good time but the company is not really my type ;). The BBQ is the safest place for me because I know just about everyone that will be there, it is close to home so if I drink I won’t have to drive home and there is no chance of me running off into the night with anyone…hmmm the downpart about the BBQ is I know everyone there and I am sure they will have another BBQ in a few weeks and I could always go to that one. Decisions, decisions, decisions…
I am not sure how to approach this situation. As most of you know my ex was in town for the weekend that just passed and we had a very cordial/friendly visit. All was well or so I thought. As I was checking my facebook yesterday I noticed his cousin was online and we were chatting. She started to talk to me about my ex and not realizing she was sharing some new information…she notified me that he recently got a DUI and how he is headed down the same path as his father…(his father has had so many DUI’s that he got his license taken away and still lives at home with his parents at the age of 53) so what do I do with that…besides feel sad for him. I/We thought the DUI just happened since he got back to NY but come to realize that this whole thing happened 2 weeks prior…during which time my daughter was in NY with him. I have spoken with him and his mother since this whole ordeal happened and neither one of them said anything to me about it…
I can totally understand protecting your child and not wanting to shed a bad light on an already tough situation but give me a damn break…I am not just a bitter ex, I am the mother of his two children…one of which was in NY while all of this went down. I think I deserve to know what the hell is going on. Don’t you? I don’t need to know every waking detail of his life but something as important as that I think should be told to me.
While he was here I was talking to him about life and everything and how he needs to be a better provider for his kids and helping him with ideas on how to get there…I told him that I think he needs to go into the military. He is not doing anything good with his life in NY and it is scary to me because his father was/is the same way he is being and he hates his father… I just don’t understand how he can do the same BS his father did and not think the girls will look at him the same way he looks at his father. I just don’t want it to be too late for him to have a good relationship with the girls…and I don’t know how many times I need to emphasize how much a little girl needs her daddy…Shit I am almost 30 and I need my daddy still sometimes.
What do I do? I can’t force him to do anything but something has to happen. He is never in the house when I call, he is always out playing basketball or something…never do I call and someone tells me he is at work. There is a problem a big problem here. Do I threaten to take the kids away from him permanently until he gets his life together???
Overall I had a good weekend…my daughter came home Friday looking all grown up; I had a good convo with the ex and hopefully we can get somewhere and he noticed the weight loss; I had a day and a half that I could tell the girls “Go ask your dad”. I think that was my favorite part…I needed a minute to just be able to do what I wanted to do without having to worry about anyone or anything else. Now its Sunday evening, I am halfway thru laundry and I am not trying to finish tonight, my daughter is all set for her first day of 2nd grade and I am ready to go to work…not really but I have come to terms with it. Let’s see where this week leads me.
So… tomorrow my ex is bringing my daughter back home. This will be the first time we see each other since we ended things and he left in January (we were together almost 8 years). I am hoping that this is not going to be awkward…considering he has been a complete tool since he left. Let’s see … since he has been gone I have lost about 30 lbs, my baby girl has grown a whole 6-9 inches, we moved to a new place, and through all of it he has been an ass…not calling the girls, not sending anything for them for either of their birthdays (February and July), nothing…hardly sends money for them which we agreed would be enough to cover daycare … yeah that is not quite how it has worked out.
I just keep telling myself that its fine and we don’t need him at all…but then reality sets in and I realize yes I don’t need or want him but my babies definitely need their dad. I look at all of the girls I know that were raised without their fathers in their lives and see how just that absence has affected their lives, the decisions they make about men and life in general. Then I look at all the issues I had with my dad but I would not trade him for the world…I would not be the person I am now if it weren’t for him…not saying that having a dad makes anyone perfect but for girls I think it gives them something to compare a man to, like an outline for what our future boyfriends/husbands should be…what they should offer you. That is if you are a good dad like mine 🙂
As for my girlies, I am just thankful that I have a very supportive family that is willing to help where he is lacking and I am continuing to pray to God to send me the right man for me and my girls…someone strong, respectful, stable, funny, loving, etc…my list could go on and on…but when he comes to me he will love me and love my girls like his own.
The good thing about this meeting tomorrow is that I look damn good … I dropped 30 lbs since he has gone and in all the right places…hardly anymore baby fat left. 😉
So I put my oldest on a plane yesterday morning New York bound. She was so grown up, she got out of the car, gave me a hug and kiss, gave her sister a kiss and a wave and took her suitcase and book-bag and headed in. She didn’t even look back, I was so sad and proud at the same time. That was me at 7…traveling alone and loving it. She loved flying to NY, she said she had a blast. She loves visiting her grandpa since he treats her like a queen…today she went to the garden with him, then left him in the garden and went on a field trip to Central Park…he called me to tell me how impressed he was with her, that she was all grown up and independent. So that’s the one gone…in about a week and a half the other will be going to NY with their father…then I will be all alone 😦
Alone is good…I am counting down. I can’t wait to go to an adult movie (not PG), go to a restaurant without a kid menu, and the most anticipated HAPPY HOUR!!!
It is so sad that I have to wait for them to go on vacation for me to do things without them. But I have to take it when I can get it. 🙂
Okay I am going to be randomly rambling here so bare with me…
Some days life seems so great…other days not so much. I remember reading this book as a little girl, Are You There God? It’s Me Margaret and as an adult I still go to that place. Sometimes it is so much harder to believe in a higher power when so much chaos is going on around you. Let’s see what is it that I need…more money, more time, more free time, more patience…MORE, I just need MORE. I look around and I know deep down inside that I am way better off than a lot of people in the world, but its hard not to feel like I need more and I need it now. We learn all about patience when we are young, when we want something right away and mom/dad says you have to wait…we learn to wait, so why is that in adulthood we forget how to wait. I need to go back and figure out how to wait…I have to wait for all my blessings: financial, personal, physical, etc.
Today… I wake up at 5am (which should be totally unlawful on a Saturday) because my 2 year old decided she wanted to get up and not lay back down. So I get out of bed, make some coffee, and sit down on the couch and try to catch up on my DVR’d shows while she watches Yo-Gabba-Gabba in my bedroom. Everything is going fine until my soon to be 7 year old wakes up and decides she wants to argue with the 2 year old. Why are they arguing you ask? I have no damn clue…I just know that its 8am and my voice is already raised. Way too early for me to be saying STOP, NO, DON’T DO THAT, SIT DOWN, etc. Why don’t they understand that I need quiet until at least 10:30am. My brain is on Saturday mode and does not want to function at all until I have at least consumed 2 giant cups of coffee…and at 8am I was just pouring cup number 2. So now at 10am I am allowed to sit and relax and enjoy my 2nd cup of coffee that I now had to re-heat in the microwave…the life of a single mom.
I know at the end of all of this it will only make me a stronger woman…which is great. I just need a break at some point before I have a mental break. I am going to keep smiling though through all of this because I know plenty of people have it way worse than I do.
Everyone have a happy and safe holiday weekend… 🙂