The One That Got Away

Being apart … 7 years to be exact…no phone calls, no e-mails, no postal mail…no contact at all.  It didn’t hurt that we live in different cities.  One evening one December I sat on the computer while talking to my bestest bestie…and thanks to Facebook I found him.  Having mutual friends it wasn’t hard…only one mutual friend honestly but that was all it took.  So what does my bestie tell me to do…”send him a message”…what the hell was I supposed to write to someone I had not had any contact with for years…and after about an hour of peer pressure I sent the message, something to this effect:

  “Hey, how are you? Do you remember who I am?”

After about 2 hours (since everyone has Facebook on their phones) I got a response:

“Of course I remember who you are, I am good how are you?”

So after a few hours all the familiarities were out of the way…the “what have you been up to?”, “where are you living?”, “are you married, divorced, kids?”, etc. Come to find out that his brother lives in the same city as I do, about 35 minutes away and he was due for a visit in a couple of weeks…talk about coincidence.  So the next message was:

“Can we exchange numbers so we can talk?  I would like to see you when I come out there.  My number is XXX-XXX-XXXX”

How excited was my bestie, you would have thought she was the one that used to date him…she was way more excited than I was, even though I had the butterflies in my stomach when we did meet up.  He was everything I remembered and more…more because he is now older and not into the little boy games.

7 years prior…we were both young, and got what we needed from each other, great sex with no baggage, no expectations which meant no disappointment, no commitment…which worked out for both of us at the time.  The only hurdle was the distance…approximately 75 miles. We made it work for the time we wanted it to work, making weekends our only time together.  Because I am a  female, at some point there became this emotional issue that I was terrified of (I am not even sure why) and I just stopped all contact/communication.  He would call and I would ignore and the one instance I did answer I was sort of a bitch, not in a bad way, I think I was just really short on the phone so he didn’t try to contact me again. That I believe was a huge mistake.

So I let him get away…and now I can’t help but think he was the ONE that got away.  2 years later and we still talk on the phone and text often…we have lots of meaningful conversations about future endeavors and things like that…but how can I set myself up for a situation I will possible be afraid of again.  If I was afraid of the emotional attachment then and it was only 75 miles in between us how could I not be terrified now with approximately 800 miles between us now.  He talks about selling his house and moving down here for a fresh start…but that is still up in the air.  Neither one of us wants a long distance relationship so we just keep things open…but still no relationship has happened for either of us since…not even prospects…

What to do? What to do?



Single Girl Planning

So as many of you know I am a single gal in a world where it seems like I am the only one (in my circle of people), but O well who cares.  I usually don’t care until its time to do some planning. 

I know its early but I am already planning my trip for the summer of 2013…yes 2013, why you may ask?  I am going to Paris 🙂  My older cousin’s husband is French/Polish and they are going to Paris to renew their vows for their 10 year anniversary and there is no way I am missing that opportunity.  So I am online looking at all the hotel choices, and trying to figure out where I can go while on that side of the world.  I have already decided I want to take the train to London, I would love to visit Germany (so I can see where my dad was born), Italy and Spain are on my to do list (been to Spain and absolutely loved it), but the number 1 place I want to go to while on vacation is Greece.  

So while doing research to see what is the best way to travel over there from country to country and trying to figure out how to start and finish the trip, do I want to stay in one country and do others by day or do I want to do a few days in each country???? I think I want to do a few days in each country but we shall see how affordable that is.  It is while looking at all the pretty countries and lovely hotels that I realized I do NOT want to go to The Most Romantic City in the World ALONE.  I want to walk through the city holding hands and enjoying the sights with someone other than a family member or a good friend.  I want to wake up in the arms of a good man after a night of incredible vacation sex.  For this trip, I want someone with me, someone that I could possibly love, and that can possibly love me.  It may be too soon to count me out in that department…but honestly do you take that kind of trip with someone you have been dating less than a year? 

The other part of me is quite fine going to Europe as a single girl…who knows I might meet my Prince Charming over there…or at least have a green card love affair.   🙂

Follow Up

After my cousin met with my brother she felt sure that he was OKAY 😀  She said he looks great, and he sounded great. He has a lot of anger towards our father and and with him stressing him out, no wonder he lost a lot of weight, not to mention his job, he was a waiter at a restaurant and the kitchen was downstairs and the dining room was going up and down the stairs for a whole shift 5 days a week will do it…maybe I should become a waitress to get my last 15lbs off…lol.  So my cousin came to the conclusion that he is okay, that is all I can go on these days. After hearing what the conversation had been about I can totally understand why my brother is so mad at dad.

Just wanted to let you all know everything was okay.

My Heart Is Breaking

My thoughts are all over the place right now so please bear with me. 
I am trying to figure out how things end up the way they do…you watch people around you and see the potential they have and wait to see how big they will make it in this world.  What do you do when you start noticing a decline in motivation, and a heavy lean towards recreational behavior (drugs, alcohol, etc.)?  The person I am speaking of has been a part of my heart and life for 20, almost 21 years, he has always been so smart and loving…he is my one and only brother.  He is going through some things that have me really worried, he doesn’t want to talk about anything, and it is looking like my father has been right more and more each day.  Recently, my parents (Dad and Stepmom) have given my brother an ultimatum…either seek counseling and go for drug testing or you have to leave…what does my brother do? He leaves.  When I spoke to him a few days later he told me he left because he did not want to be forced into therapy…he didn’t care about the drug test.  So he says…he leaves the house, doesn’t say where he is going, he is just gone.  When I spoke with him all I could get out of him is that he is staying with friends…bouncing from couch to couch until he can get enough money to get his own place. 
My dad was an addict and it took a lot for him to get clean…mostly having me when he did saved his life, he got clean for me…and since then he hasn’t even had a beer.  So he obviously knows what signs to look for when dealing with drug and alcohol abuse.  So I get a phone call one evening (about 2 weeks ago) and its my dad…mind you he never calls me unless he wants to talk to the girls.  He is telling me his version of what is happening…in a nutshell, he left because they told him that he needed to talk to someone about what he is going through and needs to take a drug test.  As per my father, my brothers behavior has gotten worse over the last year, he failed out of a very prestigious university (one he did not want to attend but now that he is no longer attending he seems to be there a lot visiting), he got a job working crazy hours, I was told that he comes home about 2 or 3am and leaves out at about 10am and when he is home when the rest of the family (Dad, Stepmom and little sister) is home he stays in his bedroom with the door shut, doesn’t want to interact with anyone, etc.  My dad said he has lost a tremendous amount of weight (he was not ever overweight) and always looks hazy (Dad’s words).  He is working all the time, but never has any money, he doesn’t pay his own cell phone bill, no rent, no bills, why doesn’t he have money?  So he told me he knows he is using and it is not just weed. 😦
So, after speaking with my brother I just brushed it off as my dad was being his dramatic self, until I got a text today at 7:30am from my cousin (really my stepmoms cousin and my brothers godmother…but she is my family, my cousin) to call her, so I did at 7:30am.  She needed advice because my because my brother texted her at 6:30am telling her he needed to talk her, so she called him and he didn’t answer, so almost immediately he texted her saying he doesn’t know any other way to say what he needs to say but…I need your help, I need some money, I was robbed and I was forced to quit my job but I am okay, I just need some money to get me through until I get another job (brother speak).  She immediately text me because she didn’t know what to do, she was informing me that the last few times she has seen him he looked really bad, very drawn in…and he was mean to the kids (which is totally not a characteristic of his), after she and I spoke for about a half hour she called him.  He then told her that he quit his job over a week ago because he found out they were going to fire him, that he was going to be working fashion week this weekend, he only had $9 on him and he just needed to get by until he got his next check, that he was robbed the day he quit, he had $750 in the safe at work and on his way home someone robbed him, took the cash but left his wallet and watch.  He basically rushed her off the phone.   So she calls me back to tell me what he said.  He agreed to meet her after she got off of work so she can assess the situation, she wants to see what he looks like.
The problem is that none of his story is adding up, addicts lie to keep their habit going and he is lying. He told my cousin he could not meet her on Sunday because he was working, but then tells her today that he quit his job over a week ago…he doesn’t want anyone to know where he is living or who he is crashing with…he gets robbed of $750 he kept in a safe at work when he has his own bank account (I am a NY’er for life and I know if you get mugged in NYC you are gonna lose more than your cash, they will be taking your wallet, phone, and whatever jewelry you have on)…
Then after all of that I checked his FB page and lo and behold he has been visiting his old college campus and planned on going back up there this weekend…how if you are working fashion week. 
Basically my heart is breaking because I am 900 miles away from home and I can’t help him… 

Why Can’t It Always Be As Easy As Elementary School?

Remember when life was as easy as waking up…grooming ones self…going to school…socializing/learning…waiting for someone to ask you to be his/her girlfriend/boyfriend via a note folded 4 times with a yes, no and maybe box for you to check.  That was how easy it was to get a boyfriend/girlfriend.   Now…days are so jam packed its almost impossible to have a conversation with another adult…none the less a date.  Now…we must be on facebook, twitter, and all the other social networking sites, we must go speed dating, we must go to online dating websites so find someone that may or may not be as fake as the picture they got from google images…but we do it. Why?  Because of the need for another adults companionship.  When you work 40+ hours a week (not including the commute), and have children to raise alone where do you go to meet anyone, when do you even have the time?  The few places you do end up…you have the kids…so really where do we meet?  The choices are: the supermarket, church, target, the park, in traffic or at work.  I have a problem with all of these places…I don’t want to meet you in the supermarket for fear you may judge me by what is or isn’t in my cart, as I will you…church is too close to home and they are all so gossipy…target has the same implications as the supermarket and I am pretty sure I have way more personal items in my cart at target…the park is a problem because either you are there with your kids, which I want no parts of the baby momma drama – and if you’re not there with your kids WHY ARE YOU ON THE DAMN PLAYGROUND!!…lets see what is wrong with meeting someone in traffic – EVERYTHING what are we gonna do get out of the car and chat or scream phone numbers from the open windows…work we all know is a hit or miss situation and if its a miss it sure can make things awkward.

There were no expectations back then…just to walk around school and hold hands and tell everyone that the other is your bf/gf…maybe sneak a kiss in the stairwell but that was it.  No pressure. Now….what aren’t they expecting.  I know I have a checklist as I would hope he has…what’s on my checklist you ask?  Good credit, nice car, good job, savings, own something (house, condo, co-op, etc.), handsome, funny, family oriented, outgoing, motivator, good in bed, etc…IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER.  That is a lot to expect  from someone you don’t even know…so what happens when you find someone that is really handsome and that is all he has to offer…of course off first look…and a few dates you don’t know that he isn’t everything you need him to be…what do you do after time has passed…do you settle? Do you shrug it off and start the game over? What happens to all the time that we waste, dating people that are not good for us. Nothing happens … that’s the problem, we waste all this time and in the end we just get older making harder to find the “right” person because now that we wasted time with Joe, John, Mark, etc…we have found more things to add to our list of expectations.  And now that we are getting older and the time is still ticking away it makes for us to make hasty decisions regarding our hearts because who wants to grow old alone…who wants to wait until they can’t have kids to have them?  Wasting all of this time is forcing us to find love, get engaged, get married and have kids all within a two year time span…why? Because we have wasted all of this time…because the world is different…the world is on speed. Every time you logon to a social networking site someones status changes from “single” to “engaged”, from “engaged” to “married”, from “whatever” to “it’s complicated”…there is a button for everything. Dating websites find people for you based on what you put in its database…lets all hope what you put is indeed factual, because when/if we do meet in person I don’t want to see a beer belly when your current photo has you with rock hard abs.

Three more clicks people and I might just hit the jackpot…