The One That Got Away

Being apart … 7 years to be exact…no phone calls, no e-mails, no postal mail…no contact at all.  It didn’t hurt that we live in different cities.  One evening one December I sat on the computer while talking to my bestest bestie…and thanks to Facebook I found him.  Having mutual friends it wasn’t hard…only one mutual friend honestly but that was all it took.  So what does my bestie tell me to do…”send him a message”…what the hell was I supposed to write to someone I had not had any contact with for years…and after about an hour of peer pressure I sent the message, something to this effect:

  “Hey, how are you? Do you remember who I am?”

After about 2 hours (since everyone has Facebook on their phones) I got a response:

“Of course I remember who you are, I am good how are you?”

So after a few hours all the familiarities were out of the way…the “what have you been up to?”, “where are you living?”, “are you married, divorced, kids?”, etc. Come to find out that his brother lives in the same city as I do, about 35 minutes away and he was due for a visit in a couple of weeks…talk about coincidence.  So the next message was:

“Can we exchange numbers so we can talk?  I would like to see you when I come out there.  My number is XXX-XXX-XXXX”

How excited was my bestie, you would have thought she was the one that used to date him…she was way more excited than I was, even though I had the butterflies in my stomach when we did meet up.  He was everything I remembered and more…more because he is now older and not into the little boy games.

7 years prior…we were both young, and got what we needed from each other, great sex with no baggage, no expectations which meant no disappointment, no commitment…which worked out for both of us at the time.  The only hurdle was the distance…approximately 75 miles. We made it work for the time we wanted it to work, making weekends our only time together.  Because I am a  female, at some point there became this emotional issue that I was terrified of (I am not even sure why) and I just stopped all contact/communication.  He would call and I would ignore and the one instance I did answer I was sort of a bitch, not in a bad way, I think I was just really short on the phone so he didn’t try to contact me again. That I believe was a huge mistake.

So I let him get away…and now I can’t help but think he was the ONE that got away.  2 years later and we still talk on the phone and text often…we have lots of meaningful conversations about future endeavors and things like that…but how can I set myself up for a situation I will possible be afraid of again.  If I was afraid of the emotional attachment then and it was only 75 miles in between us how could I not be terrified now with approximately 800 miles between us now.  He talks about selling his house and moving down here for a fresh start…but that is still up in the air.  Neither one of us wants a long distance relationship so we just keep things open…but still no relationship has happened for either of us since…not even prospects…

What to do? What to do?

 

Dear Ex

Dear Deadbeat Asshole:
 
I have given you ample time to get your shit together and be a good dad to your beautiful daughters.  I have waited for months for you to even acknowledge that you have 2 beautiful daughters that want and miss you dearly.  Unfortunately, you mistook my kindness for weakness and oh how wrong you are dear ex…so wrong that as I write this letter your child support enforcement papers are sitting next to me waiting to be filled out and guess what? They are next.  I tried to be a civilized adult and work out a payment agreement and visitation without going to court to have some stranger tell you how much time you should have with your girls and how much money you should be sending to them regularly.  A little bit of change every 6 weeks or so just isn’t cutting it anymore.  Your kids need to eat, they need school clothes, school supplies, a place to live with heat and air conditioner…bottom line is they need things to survive and they were born to 2 parents not 1.  I am doing my part to the best of my ability and I probably don’t even need your little bit of shit you want to send whenever you want to send it, but that is not the point.  The point is you created 2 children and your ass is going to take care of them one way or another…too bad you couldn’t be a damn man and do what you needed to do for them on your own. Karma is a big assed bitch so be very careful buddy.
 
Your Very Proud Mommy of 2 Ex
 
P.S. You have not taken anything from me…you have only improved my resume, now I can add Proud Father of 2 Amazing girls raised by no one but me 🙂  Thanks

What To Do

I am not sure how to approach this situation.  As most of you know my ex was in town for the weekend that just passed and we had a very cordial/friendly visit.  All was well or so I thought.  As I was checking my facebook yesterday I noticed his cousin was online and we were chatting.  She started to talk to me about my ex and not realizing she was sharing some new information…she notified me that he recently got a DUI and how he is headed down the same path as his father…(his father has had so many DUI’s that he got his license taken away and still lives at home with his parents at the age of 53) so what do I do with that…besides feel sad for him.  I/We thought the DUI just happened since he got back to NY but come to realize that this whole thing happened 2 weeks prior…during which time my daughter was in NY with him.  I have spoken with him and his mother since this whole ordeal happened and neither one of them said anything to me about it…

I can totally understand protecting your child and not wanting to shed a bad light on an already tough situation but give me a damn break…I am not just a bitter ex, I am the mother of his two children…one of which was in NY while all of this went down.  I think I deserve to know what the hell is going on.  Don’t you? I don’t need to know every waking detail of his life but something as important as that I think should be told to me.

While he was here I was talking to him about life and everything and how he needs to be a better provider for his kids and helping him with ideas on how to get there…I told him that I think he needs to go into the military.  He is not doing anything good with his life in NY and it is scary to me because his father was/is the same way he is being and he hates his father… I just don’t understand how he can do the same BS his father did and not think the girls will look at him the same way he looks at his father.  I just don’t want it to be too late for him to have a good relationship with the girls…and I don’t know how many times I need to emphasize how much a little girl needs her daddy…Shit I am almost 30 and I need my daddy still sometimes.

What do I do? I can’t force him to do anything but something has to happen.  He is never in the house when I call, he is always out playing basketball or something…never do I call and someone tells me he is at work.  There is a problem a big problem here.  Do I threaten to take the kids away from him permanently until he gets his life together???

First Post-Encounter

So… tomorrow my ex is bringing my daughter back home.  This will be the first time we see each other since we ended things and he left in January (we were together almost 8 years).  I am hoping that this is not going to be awkward…considering he has been a complete tool since he left.  Let’s see … since he has been gone I have lost about 30 lbs, my baby girl has grown a whole 6-9 inches, we moved to a new place, and through all of it he has been an ass…not calling the girls, not sending anything for them for either of their birthdays (February and July), nothing…hardly sends money for them which we agreed would be enough to cover daycare … yeah that is not quite how it has worked out.

I just keep telling myself that its fine and we don’t need him at all…but then reality sets in and I realize yes I don’t need or want him but my babies definitely need their dad.  I look at all of the girls I know that were raised without their fathers in their lives and see how just that absence has affected their lives, the decisions they make about men and life in general.  Then I look at all the issues I had with my dad but I would not trade him for the world…I would not be the person I am now if it weren’t for him…not saying that having a dad makes anyone perfect but for girls I think it gives them something to compare a man to, like an outline for what our future boyfriends/husbands should be…what they should offer you.  That is if you are a good dad like mine 🙂

As for my girlies, I am just thankful that I have a very supportive family that is willing to help where he is lacking and I am continuing to pray to God to send me the right man for me and my girls…someone strong, respectful, stable, funny, loving, etc…my list could go on and on…but when he comes to me he will love me and  love  my girls like his own.

The good thing about this meeting tomorrow is that I look damn good … I dropped 30 lbs since he has gone and in all the right places…hardly anymore baby fat left.  😉