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Drowning Out the Anger Monster

When the quiet sets in…my thoughts take over.  It is not really a time when it is good thoughts, it is usually anger or damn depression.  Not really depression…more like sadness, mourning the loss of loved ones.  In the past year I lost people close to me, one of which I will never get back thanks to the monster that took her life.  The disease ate her alive, a disease a lot of people don’t even know about (Lupus)…I didn’t even know about the damn disease when she told me about her diagnosis.  I had known only one person in my life that had been plagued with that particular disease…and she was fine…in and out of the hospital but fine.  It took a lot of time online looking up what it was and what makes it do what it does…long story short that damn disease has taken the life of my very best friend, my blood, my sister.  The other loss, when compared to that is not so significant…all loss has its significance, but that other person is just an asshole and left.  And after he left I had realized how angry I was with him and with the universe for taking my sister.  So…

When I am on my way to work in the morning I blast the radio, usually talk radio, to drown out my own thoughts…the morning shows are the funniest…I love Elvis and Duran.  I usually switch back and forth between them and the Steve Harvey Morning Show, both shows are very funny…then what pisses me off the most is that when one station is on commercial break the other one is too…which makes me put on the CD player totally forgetting about the funny shows on the radio. UGH.   So as I am driving along … sitting in traffic most days 😦 I sing my heart out like I am auditioning for The Voice…I know passing cars look at me like I am crazy but who the hell cares…I am so focused on not focusing on the angry monster in my head. 

How does music take you through an emotional roller-coaster?  Is it the words, the melodies, the person singing it?  Its all of it, put together so deliberately…but why is it when I am feeling down I listen to songs that keep me down, thank goodness for the radio, where I have no damn control over what is coming through those airwaves.  I sing in the car, I sing in the living room, I sing in the shower (that is where we all have the best voice), I sing while I am cooking…songs that make me cry…songs that make me laugh uncontrollably…not because of the lyrics of the songs, but because of the memories that song brings to light.  It is so interesting how music can shift your mood… you can be in a shitty mood and hear a song that totally remedies everything.  Once the song is over you can hardly remember why you were in a bad mood anyway.  Random…how the hell can I remember the lyrics to a song that was popular over 15 years ago and I can’t remember what I learned in class last semester? 

When I am in the house I am either so engrossed in the land of the Soap Operas, of hiding behind the lines of my latest read.  Its nothing like reading and envisioning other peoples drama…playing out what they should be doing or should have done…It is so easy for me to be a therapist to fictitious characters instead of being in my own head…dealing with my own damn issues and grief.

At some point I need to stop drowning out the anger monster with everything I can and just deal with it…this helped a little. 🙂


4 thoughts on “Drowning Out the Anger Monster

  1. Big hugs to you, glad you have your music.
    depression is anger turned inward. Dont let it eat at you, you ahve to let it out. I know it sounds clique, and I know I dont know you or your sister, but i am fairly certain that anyone who loves anyone wouldnt want them to sit around feeling angry and taking it out on themselves in the form of life sucking depression.
    Do what I do: Next time you are alone, in the car, on the highway going 65 miles an hour, scream. Scream at the top of your lungs, as loud as you can. Dont worry, no one will hear you. It helps to get it out and feels o so good. You can compose yourself when people are watching, but when you are traveling alone, go for it.

  2. My sister who just celebrated her 41st birthday on June 3rd, has Lupus. She has had this monster since she was 12. My mom told me that they doctor’s told her she wouldn’t live another year. She was in remission till she was 30 and that is when it all fell apart. Her lupus went haywire, she had a heart failure and soon after she had surgery for the difibulator in her heart she had to go under again cause she had uterine cancer. She has arthritis and diabetes and a whole other long list that I can’t remember to list. In april she was hospilzed once again and it didn’t look good, but she is a fighter and she fought her way back. I’m sorry that you lost your sister to this and not a lot of people now about Lupus. But my mom has it and my sister has it, so they want me to check for it. But I asked the dr and he said it couldn’t be diagnosed till it had symptoms. But I’m definitely going to get a second opionion cause I don’t want to be fighting for my life to see if I have it or not.

    About the songs. I totally agree. The music is like a soundtrack to your life, whether it is good or bad. I have told myself, don’t let the bad weigh you down, but learn from it. :0)

    • My sister got diagnosed when she was 31 after having my nephew at 30…she fought as long as she could but when they finally figured out what was wrong with her (she was getting swollen all over and then it would go away…doctors couldn’t figure it out telling her it was just stress) she was in end stage renal failure…I got checked because like you my mom has it as well but didn’t know until my sister had it…when my doctor drew blood he told me I had no markers of the gene at all. My sister also had developed the rheumatoid arthritis b/c of the Lupus and her ending was due to cardiac arrest due to pulmonary hypertension due to lupus…as stated on her death certificate. I know it is hard to find lupus in blood work but they can specifically look for it. I hope your sister stays well. 🙂

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