Friendship…what is the definition of this word?  According to the dictionary friendship is the state of being a friend — a friend is defined as a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard; a person who is on good terms with another.   According to a person I considered one of my best friends we are not friends anymore because we don’t speak often enough for her.  Here is the deal, we grew up together (we were a trio) and we used to do a lot of things together.  Travel, hang out, etc…but we all grew up.  20 years ago all we had to do was be around each other, because we had no other responsibilities.  Now we obviously have other things going on…we are all working mothers, they are married and I am not (doesn’t make it any easier for me to deal with day to day things).  So the issue she has with me is that we don’t speak often and she would rather have a “true friendship” with me than what we have been having…I was at a loss because I don’t measure my friendships by how often we speak on the phone.  I don’t call as often as she doesn’t call me and somehow I am the issue as far as communication goes.  I did address that with her and she still doesn’t get that communication is a two way street and if this is how she had been felling for the past few years (according to her) she should have said something when she felt the shift instead of waiting all this time.  So to me she didn’t want to fix the relationship at all.  If I were to feel a difference in how our relationship was I would have stated so immediately, why wait we are friends after all, aren’t we.   All 3 of us live in different states, me being the furthest away so I can’t just pop in for a quick visit on a Saturday afternoon and have lunch…and the third doesn’t speak hardly either but somehow I am the only one that has the issue.  So in my opinion the issue is not how often we speak or what we speak about, I think it is something completely different. What I don’t know, maybe she can’t be friends with the single friend anymore.  It is like the most high school situation I have been in since high school…which pisses me off. So like the saying goes some people are in your life for a reason, others are there for a season…I am guessing I am supposed to learn from this situation and her season is over. Luckily I know who I can count on regardless of how busy we get or how often we speak.


The One That Got Away

Being apart … 7 years to be exact…no phone calls, no e-mails, no postal mail…no contact at all.  It didn’t hurt that we live in different cities.  One evening one December I sat on the computer while talking to my bestest bestie…and thanks to Facebook I found him.  Having mutual friends it wasn’t hard…only one mutual friend honestly but that was all it took.  So what does my bestie tell me to do…”send him a message”…what the hell was I supposed to write to someone I had not had any contact with for years…and after about an hour of peer pressure I sent the message, something to this effect:

  “Hey, how are you? Do you remember who I am?”

After about 2 hours (since everyone has Facebook on their phones) I got a response:

“Of course I remember who you are, I am good how are you?”

So after a few hours all the familiarities were out of the way…the “what have you been up to?”, “where are you living?”, “are you married, divorced, kids?”, etc. Come to find out that his brother lives in the same city as I do, about 35 minutes away and he was due for a visit in a couple of weeks…talk about coincidence.  So the next message was:

“Can we exchange numbers so we can talk?  I would like to see you when I come out there.  My number is XXX-XXX-XXXX”

How excited was my bestie, you would have thought she was the one that used to date him…she was way more excited than I was, even though I had the butterflies in my stomach when we did meet up.  He was everything I remembered and more…more because he is now older and not into the little boy games.

7 years prior…we were both young, and got what we needed from each other, great sex with no baggage, no expectations which meant no disappointment, no commitment…which worked out for both of us at the time.  The only hurdle was the distance…approximately 75 miles. We made it work for the time we wanted it to work, making weekends our only time together.  Because I am a  female, at some point there became this emotional issue that I was terrified of (I am not even sure why) and I just stopped all contact/communication.  He would call and I would ignore and the one instance I did answer I was sort of a bitch, not in a bad way, I think I was just really short on the phone so he didn’t try to contact me again. That I believe was a huge mistake.

So I let him get away…and now I can’t help but think he was the ONE that got away.  2 years later and we still talk on the phone and text often…we have lots of meaningful conversations about future endeavors and things like that…but how can I set myself up for a situation I will possible be afraid of again.  If I was afraid of the emotional attachment then and it was only 75 miles in between us how could I not be terrified now with approximately 800 miles between us now.  He talks about selling his house and moving down here for a fresh start…but that is still up in the air.  Neither one of us wants a long distance relationship so we just keep things open…but still no relationship has happened for either of us since…not even prospects…

What to do? What to do?


What Today Would Have Been

My sister would have been 37 today 😦  So this year instead of crying a lot we decided to take what we feel and write her notes and put them in balloons to send up to her this evening.  Last night I asked my 7 year old to write a note to her TiTi(auntie) and she did just that.  I should have copied her note so she could look at it years from now to see how she was feeling this time around…basically her note made me cry.  She wrote “I love you soooooo much and I will see you again.”  She then turns the paper over and drew a picture of her and her Titi holding hands inside of a big heart and wrote you and me on top of the people…I cried a bit b/c she loves my sister even though she didn’t get a real chance to know her.  We left NY when my daughter was 4 and she only got to see her once more after that when she was 5, then the next time she saw her she was in her casket.  My baby girl only got to meet her once in her 2 1/2 years on this earth and she was only about 5 months old.  She knows her b/c her pictures are all over my house and I talk about her a lot but it is hard sometimes.  I miss her dearly, timing makes it hard for me sometimes.  We always shared our birthdays as I am 10/4, she was 10/7 and my mom is 10/14 so we would always celebrate together. And not to mention she passed away the day before my oldest daughters birthday. So it is hard to make sad times happy, but this year I am trying my best because I know she would not want me to be sad that she is in a better place.

She was my big sister, best friend and mommy figure when I needed her the most.  She will forever be in my heart.  Happy Birthday –  RIP T

Single Girl Planning

So as many of you know I am a single gal in a world where it seems like I am the only one (in my circle of people), but O well who cares.  I usually don’t care until its time to do some planning. 

I know its early but I am already planning my trip for the summer of 2013…yes 2013, why you may ask?  I am going to Paris 🙂  My older cousin’s husband is French/Polish and they are going to Paris to renew their vows for their 10 year anniversary and there is no way I am missing that opportunity.  So I am online looking at all the hotel choices, and trying to figure out where I can go while on that side of the world.  I have already decided I want to take the train to London, I would love to visit Germany (so I can see where my dad was born), Italy and Spain are on my to do list (been to Spain and absolutely loved it), but the number 1 place I want to go to while on vacation is Greece.  

So while doing research to see what is the best way to travel over there from country to country and trying to figure out how to start and finish the trip, do I want to stay in one country and do others by day or do I want to do a few days in each country???? I think I want to do a few days in each country but we shall see how affordable that is.  It is while looking at all the pretty countries and lovely hotels that I realized I do NOT want to go to The Most Romantic City in the World ALONE.  I want to walk through the city holding hands and enjoying the sights with someone other than a family member or a good friend.  I want to wake up in the arms of a good man after a night of incredible vacation sex.  For this trip, I want someone with me, someone that I could possibly love, and that can possibly love me.  It may be too soon to count me out in that department…but honestly do you take that kind of trip with someone you have been dating less than a year? 

The other part of me is quite fine going to Europe as a single girl…who knows I might meet my Prince Charming over there…or at least have a green card love affair.   🙂

My Heart Is Breaking

My thoughts are all over the place right now so please bear with me. 
I am trying to figure out how things end up the way they do…you watch people around you and see the potential they have and wait to see how big they will make it in this world.  What do you do when you start noticing a decline in motivation, and a heavy lean towards recreational behavior (drugs, alcohol, etc.)?  The person I am speaking of has been a part of my heart and life for 20, almost 21 years, he has always been so smart and loving…he is my one and only brother.  He is going through some things that have me really worried, he doesn’t want to talk about anything, and it is looking like my father has been right more and more each day.  Recently, my parents (Dad and Stepmom) have given my brother an ultimatum…either seek counseling and go for drug testing or you have to leave…what does my brother do? He leaves.  When I spoke to him a few days later he told me he left because he did not want to be forced into therapy…he didn’t care about the drug test.  So he says…he leaves the house, doesn’t say where he is going, he is just gone.  When I spoke with him all I could get out of him is that he is staying with friends…bouncing from couch to couch until he can get enough money to get his own place. 
My dad was an addict and it took a lot for him to get clean…mostly having me when he did saved his life, he got clean for me…and since then he hasn’t even had a beer.  So he obviously knows what signs to look for when dealing with drug and alcohol abuse.  So I get a phone call one evening (about 2 weeks ago) and its my dad…mind you he never calls me unless he wants to talk to the girls.  He is telling me his version of what is happening…in a nutshell, he left because they told him that he needed to talk to someone about what he is going through and needs to take a drug test.  As per my father, my brothers behavior has gotten worse over the last year, he failed out of a very prestigious university (one he did not want to attend but now that he is no longer attending he seems to be there a lot visiting), he got a job working crazy hours, I was told that he comes home about 2 or 3am and leaves out at about 10am and when he is home when the rest of the family (Dad, Stepmom and little sister) is home he stays in his bedroom with the door shut, doesn’t want to interact with anyone, etc.  My dad said he has lost a tremendous amount of weight (he was not ever overweight) and always looks hazy (Dad’s words).  He is working all the time, but never has any money, he doesn’t pay his own cell phone bill, no rent, no bills, why doesn’t he have money?  So he told me he knows he is using and it is not just weed. 😦
So, after speaking with my brother I just brushed it off as my dad was being his dramatic self, until I got a text today at 7:30am from my cousin (really my stepmoms cousin and my brothers godmother…but she is my family, my cousin) to call her, so I did at 7:30am.  She needed advice because my because my brother texted her at 6:30am telling her he needed to talk her, so she called him and he didn’t answer, so almost immediately he texted her saying he doesn’t know any other way to say what he needs to say but…I need your help, I need some money, I was robbed and I was forced to quit my job but I am okay, I just need some money to get me through until I get another job (brother speak).  She immediately text me because she didn’t know what to do, she was informing me that the last few times she has seen him he looked really bad, very drawn in…and he was mean to the kids (which is totally not a characteristic of his), after she and I spoke for about a half hour she called him.  He then told her that he quit his job over a week ago because he found out they were going to fire him, that he was going to be working fashion week this weekend, he only had $9 on him and he just needed to get by until he got his next check, that he was robbed the day he quit, he had $750 in the safe at work and on his way home someone robbed him, took the cash but left his wallet and watch.  He basically rushed her off the phone.   So she calls me back to tell me what he said.  He agreed to meet her after she got off of work so she can assess the situation, she wants to see what he looks like.
The problem is that none of his story is adding up, addicts lie to keep their habit going and he is lying. He told my cousin he could not meet her on Sunday because he was working, but then tells her today that he quit his job over a week ago…he doesn’t want anyone to know where he is living or who he is crashing with…he gets robbed of $750 he kept in a safe at work when he has his own bank account (I am a NY’er for life and I know if you get mugged in NYC you are gonna lose more than your cash, they will be taking your wallet, phone, and whatever jewelry you have on)…
Then after all of that I checked his FB page and lo and behold he has been visiting his old college campus and planned on going back up there this weekend…how if you are working fashion week. 
Basically my heart is breaking because I am 900 miles away from home and I can’t help him… 

Did We? I Just Can’t Remember

So what do you do when you bump into someone that you had an experience with … but you can’t seem to remember ever having that experience?  What does that say about the experience? Here is the story (not my story, but I thought I would share)….
A girlfriend of mine was dating this guy and it went south pretty rapidly…so courtesy of facebook she found interest in someone else pretty fast.  They started out just exchanging messages a few times a week, to talking on the phone all night (you would think she was a teenie bopper right…wrong).  Oh…quick fact…they live about 1000 miles away from each other.  Ok so after a few weeks of talking all the time on the phone the facebook status changes 🙂 (I find that so silly, but that is just me…I don’t need all of my facebook friends/family to see what relationship I am in or not in…again, that’s me).  During the course of one of their phone conversations he goes on to say they had a sexual past,
Back in High School, you came over that day. Don’t you remember?
Hmmm…obviously not…is that a sign?  I don’t know how he or she could want to be involved with the other…you have had sex in the past, yes it has been quite some time ago, but damn you don’t remember.  As the man, I would take offense to that, either the sex wasn’t that good (which is a deal breaker for me as a female…hello sex is not everything but let’s be real, it does matter) or you are just out there and have slept with so many people you just can’t remember.  Now again, don’t get me wrong, I have had an encounter or two that I did not remember, not for lack of enthusiasm or fun, but because I had way too much to drink…but at some point it hits you like a ton of bricks…oh shit did I do that…yes doll you absolutely did…and then you move on.
Any thoughts?

What To Do

I am not sure how to approach this situation.  As most of you know my ex was in town for the weekend that just passed and we had a very cordial/friendly visit.  All was well or so I thought.  As I was checking my facebook yesterday I noticed his cousin was online and we were chatting.  She started to talk to me about my ex and not realizing she was sharing some new information…she notified me that he recently got a DUI and how he is headed down the same path as his father…(his father has had so many DUI’s that he got his license taken away and still lives at home with his parents at the age of 53) so what do I do with that…besides feel sad for him.  I/We thought the DUI just happened since he got back to NY but come to realize that this whole thing happened 2 weeks prior…during which time my daughter was in NY with him.  I have spoken with him and his mother since this whole ordeal happened and neither one of them said anything to me about it…

I can totally understand protecting your child and not wanting to shed a bad light on an already tough situation but give me a damn break…I am not just a bitter ex, I am the mother of his two children…one of which was in NY while all of this went down.  I think I deserve to know what the hell is going on.  Don’t you? I don’t need to know every waking detail of his life but something as important as that I think should be told to me.

While he was here I was talking to him about life and everything and how he needs to be a better provider for his kids and helping him with ideas on how to get there…I told him that I think he needs to go into the military.  He is not doing anything good with his life in NY and it is scary to me because his father was/is the same way he is being and he hates his father… I just don’t understand how he can do the same BS his father did and not think the girls will look at him the same way he looks at his father.  I just don’t want it to be too late for him to have a good relationship with the girls…and I don’t know how many times I need to emphasize how much a little girl needs her daddy…Shit I am almost 30 and I need my daddy still sometimes.

What do I do? I can’t force him to do anything but something has to happen.  He is never in the house when I call, he is always out playing basketball or something…never do I call and someone tells me he is at work.  There is a problem a big problem here.  Do I threaten to take the kids away from him permanently until he gets his life together???