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So In Love…

with love. For the first time in my adult life I am single…I am SINGLE. No attachments. No f*ck buddy. No drama. It took me a while to realize that this is healthy, that I need to find myself…who the f*ck am I, what do I want out of life…I have lived the last 15 years for other people…men.  The first being my dear ol’ dad…I love this man so much its crazy…growing up I did a lot of things I would not have done if I were not trying to please my daddy.  To me he was the unpleaseable…as an adult I kind of understand the standard he held me to, but as a teenage girl with out of control hormones and the “I’m right, he’s wrong” attitude, I had no idea…no understanding.  Unfortunately, this pattern of behavior didn’t stop there…every man thereafter has taken my focus completely off of myself and directly toward them.  I wanted to make sure everything was perfect for them…altering my true state of self to prove that I was a “good girlfriend”…all the while not being my true self was easy I had been doing it for so long.  At the end of all of these relationships I was the one hurting…crying…not sleeping…not feeling whole.  At the end of this particular relationship … the last one, lasted about 7 years … and I think this was the hardest yet easiest one to let go of.  I am pretty sure I was hurt but I think I was hurt way too many times in the 7 years, things I tried to forget, but couldn’t and even though the forgiveness was there every time something happened all I could see was the past. So when he finally decided to walk out I felt relieved…somewhat elated.  I had my sad days, where I just wanted someone in the bed with me, someone to talk to over the age of 6, someone to hold me when I was sad, etc.

But after careful consideration…and an asshole ex…I love being single.  I love… not having to make elaborate dinners, not having to fold any other adults clothes, not having to clean up after another adult, I absolutely love coming home from work and not having a pile of dishes in the sink and not having to do anything that I don’t want to do.  I finally have time to figure out what I want. I get to experiment with things…I get to be crafty…I get to be me.  I have the time to figure out what type of man will be right for me..the real me, not the “me” I have pretended to be for years. 

I have ME time…I get to read and write and watch all my dramas on TV…I get to do all of this AFTER I put the kids to bed at 9pm …at which time I am burnt the hell out and ready to crash…How the hell did I even have time to be another me and have a man to deal with.  Geesh

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7 thoughts on “So In Love…

  1. I’m sure you are going to get tired of me, but I can’t help but comment. :0) That is great that you found the love in your single life. I say to everyone. It is better to be alone, then to settle and be with the wrong person. I have had my share of loser…one was a loser who treated me like crap, and another one that abused me. But I told myself that I was NOT going to let myself go through that again. And then I found my husband and with what I went through, made me realize, that a ‘good or nice’ guy is really the guy that treats you right.

    Hope you continue with your single journey, and remember don’t just settle, be happy and learn from the ‘mistakes’ to get a better catch. :0)

    • Thanks…I won’t settle at all. I have my list and I am willing to bend a few of my requirements for the right person…my girls mean to much to me to be with someone they can’t look up to 🙂

  2. I totally understand where you’re coming from. I just got out of a three year relationship and I LOOOOOOVE being single! Never thought I’d say that in my life! I too have lived my whole life for men. Thinking I wasn’t complete unless I had one in my life. Now I have the freedom to do what I want and not have to try to please anyone but myself. It’s so liberating. I can flirt with who I want. Turn my phone off and walk around a forest or go to the beach for a whole day if I want. Sometimes, its just nice to know that the only person you have is the only person who will always be there for you -yourself! It really causes you to fall in love with who you are. Not just who you have been for other people. Sorry, I know I’m writing a book. I just like to talk, therefore write, a whole lot hehe.

    Eri

    Btw: Thanks for the subscription. 🙂

  3. You make divorce sound better and better. Hell, not like I don’t think about it everyday, anyway. I know what you mean though. I’ve lost my identity with every damn man I’ve been with trying to become who I thought he wanted me to be and make him happy. Now I’m finally at a place I just want to please myself. I just love the idea of not having to take care of anyone else. You know, I’ve never had that!

  4. I have said this to my female friends so many times over the years: learn to be happy with and love yourself- stop worrying about a man in your life! The single life can be so amazing for women when they take control and assert themselves. Live it up!

    BTW, thanks for subscribing to my blog!

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