with love. For the first time in my adult life I am single…I am SINGLE. No attachments. No f*ck buddy. No drama. It took me a while to realize that this is healthy, that I need to find myself…who the f*ck am I, what do I want out of life…I have lived the last 15 years for other people…men. The first being my dear ol’ dad…I love this man so much its crazy…growing up I did a lot of things I would not have done if I were not trying to please my daddy. To me he was the unpleaseable…as an adult I kind of understand the standard he held me to, but as a teenage girl with out of control hormones and the “I’m right, he’s wrong” attitude, I had no idea…no understanding. Unfortunately, this pattern of behavior didn’t stop there…every man thereafter has taken my focus completely off of myself and directly toward them. I wanted to make sure everything was perfect for them…altering my true state of self to prove that I was a “good girlfriend”…all the while not being my true self was easy I had been doing it for so long. At the end of all of these relationships I was the one hurting…crying…not sleeping…not feeling whole. At the end of this particular relationship … the last one, lasted about 7 years … and I think this was the hardest yet easiest one to let go of. I am pretty sure I was hurt but I think I was hurt way too many times in the 7 years, things I tried to forget, but couldn’t and even though the forgiveness was there every time something happened all I could see was the past. So when he finally decided to walk out I felt relieved…somewhat elated. I had my sad days, where I just wanted someone in the bed with me, someone to talk to over the age of 6, someone to hold me when I was sad, etc.
But after careful consideration…and an asshole ex…I love being single. I love… not having to make elaborate dinners, not having to fold any other adults clothes, not having to clean up after another adult, I absolutely love coming home from work and not having a pile of dishes in the sink and not having to do anything that I don’t want to do. I finally have time to figure out what I want. I get to experiment with things…I get to be crafty…I get to be me. I have the time to figure out what type of man will be right for me..the real me, not the “me” I have pretended to be for years.
I have ME time…I get to read and write and watch all my dramas on TV…I get to do all of this AFTER I put the kids to bed at 9pm …at which time I am burnt the hell out and ready to crash…How the hell did I even have time to be another me and have a man to deal with. Geesh